FUN THINGS TO DO IN THE SUPERMARKET
* Walk around yelling "Peanuts! Get your hot roasted peanuts."
* Wait at the front door and ask people for their coats and hats.
* Stop people and ask them to pose for a picture.
* Run around with a box of tissues screaming its a bomb!
* While waiting in the check out line, drop a pen and when someone picks it up say (really loud) "Stop stealing! That's mine!"
* Walk through the store by yourself and start a fight with an imaginary person.
* Go to customer service and ask for Amanda Hugandkiss.
* When people aren't looking, put pregnancy test in their baskets.
* Hide in the freezer and jump out and scare people.
* Ask people if you can borrow things out there carts. Just for a minute.
HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS?
HOW TO COPE WITH THE STRESS:
* Compliment the in-laws on the food and the house—no need to be honest here.
* Bring gifts and stay busy cooking and cleaning.
* Keep your relatives eating—anything—to prevent them from talking.
* Stay in a hotel and commandeer an escape vehicle.
* Pre-Schedule a few phone sessions with your therapist.
* Hit the nearest gay bar at night.
* Take long walks ... even in a blizzard.
* Use up all of your vacation time so that you have a legitimate excuse not to visit.
* Drink lot's of alcohol!
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"
YOU LOOK FAMILIAR
A young kid gets on the bus. He has spiked green, yellow, blue and red hair. He's wearing a long feather earring, has chains coming from his nose, and is wearing no shoes and a torn up leather jacket.
There old man on the bus who cannot help but glare at the young kid. So about 5 miles down the road the young kid gets up the nerve and yells "hey old man what you looking at, didn't you ever do anything crazy."
The old man replies "yes when I was in the navy I had sex with a parrot, I just thought maybe you were my son.
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR
A couple came upon a wishing well. The hubby leaned over, made a wish, and threw in a coin. The wife then decided to make a wish. But when she leaned over, she fell into the well. The husband was stunned, but then smiled and said to himself, "Damn. It really works."
THE MISTRESS
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh," replies the husband, "that is my mistress." The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."
"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more Country Club. But the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim? " she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband
"Ours is prettier," says the wife.
QUESTION OF THE WEEK!
Each year approximately 20 people do this when they see a Goodyear Blimp. What do they do?
FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK
http://scoweb.sco.ca.gov/scoucp/inquiry/index.htm
Sign on and see if you've got any unclaimed money hanging around! (J.B.)
Also see: http://www.missingmoney.com/
http://www.swedenrules.com/
Thank Odin for Volvo!
http://www.lesion.com/tgiving.html
The first known lesbian pilgram... "Peg"
http://www.geocities.com/Hollywood/Boulevard/8005/sitemapp.html
Madcap Martha Stewart
Congratulations to Jenny Rebecca and Micheal Pendergast and a big welcome to the world to their new baby girl Maggie (9 pounds, 13 ounces)
Congrats to Beth Goldstein on moving to the Private Sector!
Have a great weekend! - MJ
THE TWINS
A woman gives borth to identical twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan -- seeking to establish contact with his biological parents -- sends a picture to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her then-partner that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her partner responds, "But they are twins-once you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
POWER OF ADVERTISING (C.C.F)
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?" Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."
GETTING OLD: (J.F.)
What a drag it is getting old...... When I went to lunch today, I noticed this lady about 75-80 years old sitting on a bench near The food court and she was sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said: "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed coffee."
I said: "Well, then why are you crying?" She said: "he makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me half the afternoon."
I said: "Well so why are you crying?" She said: "For Dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert and then makes love to me until 2:00am."
I said: "Well, why in the world would you be crying?"
She said: "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"
HOLIDAY FRUITCAKE RECIPE (J.F.)
Fruitcake:
1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cup dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
lemon juice
nuts
1 gallon whiskey
Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. Pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again. Make sure the whiskey is still okay.
Cry another cup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whiskey. Now sift lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed.
Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway?
OH YEAH? (C.C.F)
A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Vermonter were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar.
The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan however, simply drew himself up and announced: "Where I come from, we have plenty of tequila."
The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol, also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"
The Vermonter drained his bottle of Catamount beer, threw it up in the air, drew his deer rifle, and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan.
"Where I come from," he said, "we recycle these... and we have plenty of New Yorkers,"
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK: (C.C.F.)
A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hailstorm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop. The mechanic explained what needed to be done and said that it would cost at least $4000 to repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix it. The body man decided to have a little fun and said, "Well, you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. She drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her neighbor, another blonde, came over for a visit. "What are you doing?" she shrieked, thinking the worst and thankful that she just may have prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop out all these dents in my car," explained the first blonde. "Well, silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor. "Why not?" asked the first blonde. "Because you've got to roll the windows up first."
Rejected Pokémon Names
(ed. note: I just don't get the whole Pokémon thing - but someone out there does...)
* Jigglybutt
* Herpekachu
* Bongbuzz
* Rastamon
* Chepejapaneztoi
* Mommysbroke
* Wakamole
* Watchutawkinboutwillis
* Tracilords
* Liberachee
HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
Things You Should Never Say to a Naked Man
* It's so cute.
* Who circumcised you?
* Wow, and your feet are so big.
* It's OK, we'll work around it.
* Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
* Let me go get my tweezers.
* This explains your car.
* All right! A treasure hunt!
* Why is Lord punishing you?
* Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
* Are you cold?
* Is that an optical illusion?
* So, this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
FUN FACTS: THIS WEEK IN HISTORY
1775 - The U.S. Marine Corps was authorized under authority of the Continental Congress.
1939 - The first air-conditioned automobiles went on display at the Auto Show in Chicago.
1969 - The classic, "Sesame Street" debuted on 170 Public Broadcasting
stations and 20 commercial outlets. Created by the Children’s Television
Workshop, the show starred endearing characters including Gordon, Susan,
Bob, Bert, Ernie, the Cookie Monster, Oscar the Grouch and, of course, Big Bird.
FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK
http://scriptorium.lib.duke.edu/adaccess/
Ad Access
http://absurdgallery.com/clowns.shtml (K.H.)
Clowns are Scary!
__________________________
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, please put down the video camera and come help me.
THE WORK VIRUS (C.C.F.)
There is a new virus going around, called 'work'. If you receive any sort of 'work' at all, whether via e-mail, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague. DO NOT OPEN IT. This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open 'work' or even look at 'work' have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter 'work' via e-mail or are faced with any 'work' at all, purge the virus by sending an e-mail to your boss with the words 'I've had enough of your crap........ I'm off to the pub'. The 'work' should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive 'work' in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the 'work' to your garbage can and put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or gin and tonic). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work' will no longer be of any relevance to you and that 'Scooby Doo' was the greatest cartoon ever. Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the 'work' virus has already corrupted your life.
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A blond is going to sell her car that has 500,000 miles on it and her friend tells her to set back the odometer to get a better price. A week later her friend asks if she sold the car and the blond says "What?! No way! I'm not selling a car with only 5,000 miles on it!"
FAMILY TRADITIONS!
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner. After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking. Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off the end of the ham"? And she replied ,"I really don't know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to."
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied,"I really don't know , but that's the way my mom always did it.
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother , the young woman asked, "Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?" Her grandmother replied ,"Well dear, it would never fit into my baking pan."
BLONDE JOKE #2
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
MUTUAL ORGASM
Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby. "You know, " says Sadie, "I've been reading this ''Sex and Marriage" book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm? "No," says Esther, "I think we had AllState."
THE DALMATIAN
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
Then a third child brought the argument to a close...
"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."
THINGS I LEARNED AT THE MOVIES
* During all police investigations it IS necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
* All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
* All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
* The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
* Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
* A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
* Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
* If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
* Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
* Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
* If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
* Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
* A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
* All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
* When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
* When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
* One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
* Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
* If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
* Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
* Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
* Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
* All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
* Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
* When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
* Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
* You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
* Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
* When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
* An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
* Having a job of any kind will make fathers forget their son's eighth birthday.
* Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
* If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
* The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
PET PEEVES OF PETS
* Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.
* Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes... Oh boy! Fish flakes!
* Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!"
* Cat: Suck out one baby's breath and you're a pariah.
* Goldfish: The wimp-ass knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!
* Parrot: Tease, tease, tease -- but do those greedy bastards ever *really* give me a cracker? HELL, no!!
* Dog: Human legs that just tease.
* Dingoes: When you snatch a boney, crunchy baby instead of a plump, juicy one.
* Cat: Why are these people in my house?
* Dog: What the... HEY!!! Where are my balls?!?!
* Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! *There's* a new one!"
FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK:
http://www.radioflyer.com
You've come a long way baby!
http://www.hsx.com/
Trade 'em like junk bonds!
_____________________________
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.