THE OFFICIAL FISHWRAP OF THE MILLENNIUM!
SPECIAL "TEOTWAWKI" END OF CIVILIZATION COLLECTORS EDITION!
PRINT THIS NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!
You are receiving this ahead of schedule due to the fact that I have an 8 hour drive to my subterranean survival bunker (location undisclosed for security reasons) ahead of me and do not wish to waste any of my Honda (TM) Generator's fuel sending this out once I am there. Besides - I'm off work tomorrow and so are most of you!
Cheers - MJ
Is my Furby Y2K-compliant?
Tiger Electronics, Furby's manufacturer, cautions that some Furbies may turn feral at 12:01 on Jan. 1 and begin gorging on household pets and small children. Tiger stresses that there is no cause for alarm, but the company strongly recommends letting your Furby sleep through the New Year, preferably in a locked metal box buried at least 16 feet underground.
This and other pressing questions answered here:
http://www.salon.com/tech/feature/1999/12/27/y2k_faq/index.html
BLONDE JOKE OF THE CENTURY
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.
The blonde made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.
She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in the snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite some time had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for along time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
THE NIGHT OF Y2K
T'was the week after Christmas and all through the house,
not one PC was working, not even the mouse.
I turned on the power but nothing was working,
I grab the computer and start banging and jerking.
I laid out three grand for this piece of junk?!
Now on January first the damn things gone kerplunk!
I turned on the TV, the cable is down
my microwave oven is making weird sounds.
My new VCR is as dead as a rock,
not one light is blinking, not even the clock.
It's twenty below, the peak of snow season
the furnace won't work, so pipes are all freezing.
I laughed for a second and thought it all funny
then I called up my bank in regards to my money
"We managed your pension and savings with care,
but for some odd reason your money's not there.
We'd thought we were ready, we thought we'd be heroes
but regret to inform you, your balance is zero!"
I drop the receiver, to the bathroom I rush
I push down the handle, the toilet won't flush.
I turned on the faucet, not one drop hits the sink
I head out the door to the pub for a drink.
I jump in the car, turn the key in the switch,
it only goes "click", I scream "son of a B*!@#$!"
A computerized ignition has sealed my fate
it's not set up to handle the "2000" date.
I twitch like a madman, this cannot be true
no car, heat or money, what on earth can I do?
So, shouting obscenities I run out of sight
Happy Y2K to all, it's been one hell of a night!
January 1, 2000
Re: Vacation Pay
Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service. Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely,
Automated Payroll Processing
Y2K HAIKU'S
Millennium parties with loud music, lights and joy; then, how dark, how cold!
Stupid programmer, think ahead next time, when the power comes back on.
Windows 98 is compliant with minor bugs, store food and water!
Hire more programmers for Y2k Bug now -- oops, too late, lights are out!
Y2k is just a scam for consultants--hey, riots, Martial law!
Y2K LOVE COTTAGE & SUPPLY DEPOT!
List Price: $2,241.75
Bedrooms: Yes.
Bathrooms: In Season.
Lot Size: Good
Heating: Lots of flammable objects
Defense Rating: Fair
Description:
Sometimes it is love at first sight. This is the emotion you'll experience when you visit this love cottage and matching Y2K supply depot area.
Warm and cozy! Charming and low-key! This gentle property has lots of space and air, particularly with the nicely placed holes in roof. In fact, this cottage defines the aesthetic sensibilities shared by Y2K survivalists everywhere! Yes, I know you'll be instantly attracted to the fine details of this heritage property.
But that's not all, no it isn't. Right outside this love-cottage you will find your own Y2K supply depot! That's right! Everything you could ever possibly want after the apocalypse is already sitting in your yard! Just think of the possibilities: with the collapse of the Fractional Reserve System, barter will rule the land. And you'll be the king of barter, having a veritable mine of useful trading objects already in your possession!
Curb appeal? This property oozes curb appeal, among other things. It is guaranteed to impress anyone. Combine that with the valuable depo and you've got a winner!
A cozy and inviting home with such added value isn't normally found! Get it now while you still can!
Property Photograph: http://www.garysouth.com/house2.jpg
LESBIAN BARBIE COLLECTION!
Yes, there is far too much variety in the lesbian community to be represented by just one Barbie doll. We need a collection. Besides, where is Barbie going to get a date, if there isn't a collection?
1) Lesbian Barbie
The basic model, Barbie is 35, and wears her hair medium length, nothing fancy. Makeup looks natural, barely there. She wears jeans and a baggy t-shirt, and is vegetarian. Her tiny little rainbow and pink triangle stickers can be affixed to herself, her car, or you! Barbie is now realistically shaped, with a (proportionally smaller to fit the 11" doll) 34B bustline and 30" waist.
2) Dyke Barbie
A little more flamboyant, Dyke Barbie wears her hair in a pixie cut. She forgoes the bra, and her breasts hang a bit lower. Comes with the Dyke Barbie Jeep, decorated with rainbow, triangle and 'Chick Magnet' stickers. Wears absolutely NO makeup.
3) Butch Barbie and Femme Barbie
Sold as a set, because the other Lesbian Barbies aren't quite sure what to do with them. Butch Barbie sports a buzzcut (how many little girls have unintentionally created Butch Barbie?) and men's clothing. She comes with a mechanic's coverall (complete with oil stains) and a toolbox. Femme Barbie... well, Femme Barbie is regular Barbie, stuck in a box with Butch Barbie.
4) Older Lesbian Barbie
She has a head of short, dignified gray hair, well-earned wrinkles, and a full figure. Her clothing is comfortable. Still has her dreams of a Lesbian Nation, and avoids contact with morally inferior males. Comes with 70's feminist literature.
5) Babydyke Barbie
A teen, Babydyke Barbie is just coming out. Still dresses like most other teens, but has a smart-ass grin and real muscles. (As do the rest of the Lesbian Barbies, except for Femme Barbie.)
6) In the Closet Barbie
Looks like a regular, everyday straight woman (read: NOT like regular Barbie) but is undergoing 'personal searching.' Comes with What-the-Hell-Do-I-Do-Now Ken. Optional but recommended for In the Closet Barbie is Therapist Barbie, complete with couch. Divorce Lawyer Barbie may be required, but her purchase is strictly a personal choice.
7) BDSM Barbie
What Lesbian collection would be complete without her? Comes with whips, handcuffs, and lots of leather.
8) Gay Ken
No, he's not Lesbian, but every Lesbian needs a gay male buddy. Gay Ken looks remarkably like regular Ken.
9) Jock Barbie
Always has bottle of water at her side. Comes with mountain bike and softball uniform.
10) Political activist Barbie
Knows where every meeting is every night of every "save the world" organization. Complete with picket signs and leaflets. Comes only in sets--at least one African-American, one Latina, one lesbian from the Asian-Pacific, one Native American lesbian, one European-American, one lesbian with a disability, one Gen-X lesbian, one AARP lesbian, one Lesbian of Size, and one Transgendered person, usually M2F who looks like a tall straight Barbie but always wears a neck scarf.
TOP 12 SIGNS YOU ARE BEING STALKED BY A FARM ANIMAL!
12. Every morning at the bus stop, that same pig is reading the newspaper -- upside down!
11. Whenever you cross the road, so does that damned chicken!
10. That foul smell, and you're not with your beer drinking buddies.
9. Heavy bleating on the other end of the phone.
8. Silhouette of knife-wielding Holstein appears on your shower curtain.
7. Everywhere you do, the bell! the Bell!! THE BELL!!!
6. You find a knit cap and FOUR bloody gloves.
5. You keep hearing , "Oink Oink," and there isn't a See'n'Say toy in sight.
4. After an ugly break-up with Flopsy, you find Glenn Close floating in a pot on your stove.
3. While baking custard pie, you step in cow pie.
2. All 84 Caller ID entries read, "Babe."
and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked By A Farm Animal...
1. Note on your doorstep says, "We'll see who's laughing at Thanksgiving this year, Ginsu Boy!"
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
If you are wearing street clothes, where are you most likely to find the initials YKK?
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK:
Why bother?
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true
1999 DARWIN AWARD Candidates:
Already, the first candidate for the 1999 Darwin Awards is circulating on the Net. The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon (the remains of) individuals who have given their all, in an effort to improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means. The Awards commemorate those who find innovative, moronic ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the human gene pool. And so, without further ado, the first candidate for '99:
MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) --
A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin. Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine's agitator went into gear. Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in "a small explosion," according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle. According to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.
YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY BABY
The following is an excerpt from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine. This was serious and written for male supervisors of women in the work force during World War II - a mere 56 years ago! Obviously, the intent was not to be "funny," but by today's standards, this is hilarious! For those of you with efficiency issues, pay attention to #8.
Eleven Tips on Getting More Efficiency Out of Women
Employees:
There's no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject from Western Properties:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters, they're less likely to be flirtatious, they need the work or they wouldn't be doing it, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy. It's always well to impress upon older women the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls - those who are just a little on the heavy side - are more even tempered and efficient than their underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination - one covering female conditions. This step not only protects the property against the possibilities of lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset the importance of time - the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they'll keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology. A girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they can't shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman - it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she'll grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point can't be stressed too much in keeping women happy.
The GRINCH Test
This is a set of essential personality tests to prepare you misfit readers for Christmas and your New Year's resolutions:
1. You reuse last year's Christmas cards and send them out under your own name (5 points).
2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor's outdoor display to replenish your own supply (5 points, 10 if neighbor's whole light set or Santa goes out).
3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points).
4. You put out last year's stale candy canes for children (1 point for each piece of sticky candy - If you put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa also, add 10 points).
5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Walmart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale's or other prestige box to impress your friends (5 points for each infraction).
6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas Day (5 points, 10 if from a cell phone), claiming you are stuck in a phone booth.
7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff later at your own party).
8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own (Southern California only, others ignore: 5 points).
9. After an invitation to a friend's house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year).
10. Any stealing from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no (20 points).
Evaluate your score on the "Grinch Scale" from 20 to 100.
-----------------------------------------
20-30: You are just a cheeseball.
30-50: You are an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted by the police for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over. The Meyer Lansky of Christmas crime has arrived.
SANTA CLAUS IS A WOMAN
I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she.
Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree -- still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist.
Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by being seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the "Ho-Ho-Ho" thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
FISHWRAP SITES OF THE WEEK
http://www.garysouth.com/
The lighter side of the apocalypse
http://www.mulletsgalore.com/
All new mullet classifications!
_____________________
2K or Y not 2K - That is the question.
NICE HORSE!
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The Kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the Penis underneath the horse, instead of on top."
FUN FACTS (C.C.F)
* A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
* A snail can sleep for three years.
* All polar bears are left handed.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they reach 2 to 6 years of age.
* Butterflies taste with their feet
* Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any pants.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* Starfish haven't got brains.
* Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
All I Really Need to Know I Learned From Noah's Ark (S.G.)
1. Don't miss the boat.
2. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something really big.
5. Don't listen to critics - just get on with what has to be done.
6. Build your future on higher ground.
7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
8. Two heads are better than one.
9. Speed isn't always an advantage; the snails were on board with the cheetahs.
10. When you're stressed, float awhile.
11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.
12. Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside. No matter the storm, when you're one with God, there's a rainbow waiting.
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK (C.C.F)
11 people were clinging precariously to a wildly swinging rope suspendedfrom a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should let go. Ifthat didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish. For anagonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a trulyouching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of theothers. The blondes applauded.
A BUTCH CHRISTMAS
Buying gifts for a Butch is not nearly as complicated as it is for a Fem Follow these rules and you should have no problems. (For the straight crowd - yes it works for men too :)
Rule #1: When in doubt - buy her a cordless drill. It does not matter if she already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and she has yet tocomplain. As a butch, you can neve have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy her anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Butchs love saying those two words. "Hey Deb, can I borrow Your ratchet?" "OK. Bye-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy her anything for her car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from her rear view mirror. Butches love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Rule #4: Do not buy Butches socks. Do not buy Butches ties. And never buy butches bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted Butches to wear bathrobes, she wouldn't have invented T-shirts.
Rule #5: You can buy Butches a new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your Butch a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch her go wild as she flips, and flips, and flips.
Rule #6: Do not buy a Butch any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real Butches drink whiskey or beer.
Rule #7: Do not buy any Butch industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.
Rule #8: Buy Butches label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.
Rule #9: Never buy a Butch anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin her Special Day and she will always have parts left over.
Rule #10: Good places to shop for Butches include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab ire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sear's Clearance Centers are also excellent Butche's stores. It doesn't matter if she doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")
Rule #11: Butches enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get her a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane ank. Tell her the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"
Rule #12: Tickets to a 49ers/Monarchs/ game are a smart gift. However, she will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.
Rule #13: Butches love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a Butch you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when she gets a label maker.
Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real Butch a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK (J.B.)
http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news1199/phone.html
_________________________
Is it because light travels faster than sound why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
WHAT IF THERE HAD BEEN THREE WISE WOMEN???
They would have asked directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and, brought practical gifts.
AMAZON DOT COM: WISH LIST FEEDBACK
For those of you that have:
a) set up a wish list or
b) been unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end
Dear Sir or Ma'am: Thank you for the seventy emails inviting me to "join" your Wish List. After visiting the site I found it poorly named. One might more aptly assign the moniker: In Your Dreams List, or AreYouOuttaYourMIND?List, perhaps even a When Hell Freezes Over! List. Semantics aside, I am thrilled to be one of the many, many BCC: invitees and will happily offer my credit information in order to trade equity value points with the website of your choice.
Yours in Holiday Cheer,
Recipient#8382957
---------
Feline House Management 101A
DOORS:
Do not allow closed doors in any room.
To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws.
Once door is opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things.
This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.
Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
CHAIRS and RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly.
If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.
If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as ong as the human's bare foot.
BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom.
It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one.
This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering."
The following are the rules for "hampering":
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook.
You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes, for Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper!
First, sit on the paper being worked on.
When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.
When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of you ability.
After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper.
The reaction from this action, is equivalent to the feeling they've just "shot-gunned" 10 cups of coffee.
WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
PLAY:
This is an important part of your life.
Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.
Below are listed several favorite cat games that you can play.
It is important though to maintain one's "dignity" at all times.
If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!"
It fools those humans every time.
CAT GAMES:
"Catch Mouse"
The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands.
They are lying.
They are actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
"King of the Hill"
This game must be played with at least one other cat.
One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s).
Anything goes.
This game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.
WARNING:
Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion from the bed and possibly from the bedroom.
Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.
This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again.
If one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
TOYS:
Any small item is a potential toy.
If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy.
Run with it under the bed.
Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.
Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later.
HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box.
It is important to maintain one's "dignity" when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.
Humans need to know basic rules.
They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.
You will then have a smooth-running household.
BLONDE JOKE OF THE WEEK
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana. They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to Texas to buy a bull.
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull. "It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it."
She buys the bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says: Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S. are $.75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man. "Comfortable." replies the blonde.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
YOU KNOW YOU OVERDID THANKSGIVING WHEN:
* Paramedics bring in the Jaws of Life to pry you out of the recliner.
* The "Gravy Boat" your wife set out was a real 12' boat!
* You receive a Sumo Wrestler application in your e-mail.
* Friday you set off 3 earthquake seismographs on your morning jog.
* Pricking your finger for cholesterol screening only yielded gravy.
* A guest quotes a Biblical passage from "The Feeding of the 5000."
* That rash on your stomach turns out to be steering wheel burn.
* Representatives from the Butterball Hall of Fame called twice.
* You consider gluttony your patriotic duty.
* Your arms are too short to reach the keyboard & delete this.
David Letterman's countdown to knowing when you outdid yourself onThanksgiving:
10.Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9.Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8.You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7.Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6.You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5.World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3.Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2.Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1.You're sweatin' gravy.
REASONS TO BE PROUD YOU'RE GAY!
* We invented most of the things that make life worth living like art, music, literature and brunch.
* We're important politically. Democrats love us. Republicans fear us and the Reform Party is too busy just trying to control Jesse Ventura to have much of an opinion of us right now.
* Straight people look up to us to set styles. If it weren't for us they'd all still be wearing leisure suits(we had nothing to do with those) and seafoam-green dresses.
* We're an essential part of a healthy economy. (I personally am responsible for the phenomenal growth of at least two major clothing retailers.
* We're resourceful and optimistic. If life gives us a lemon, we don't just make lemonade; we make lemon daiquiris, a lemon chiffon pie and save the leftover peel for potpourri.
* We make great neighbors. You'll never find junked autos in our yards. (And on the off chance that you do, trust me, it will have been turned into a lovely, flower-filled planter.)
* We're artistic. Give us a glue gun, some sequins, and 30 minutes and we'll give you beauty.
* We're kind to straight people. Even the ones with really bad haircuts.
* We throw the best parties. Without us, parties would consist of nothing more than a can of Cheese Whiz and Tupperware.
* We're loyal and supportive of our musical icons long after they've passed their primes. Through our Diva-outreach program we keep giving work and meaning to the lives of many entertainers like Diana Ross and Liza Minnelli.
* Without us, there would be no sarcasm and people like Martha Stewart would go unpunished.
MARTHA STEWARTS HOLIDAY CALENDAR
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey, spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold christmas cards.
December 2
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.
December 3
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.
Decmeber 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eye glasses. Grind lenses myself.
Decmeber 6
Fax family Christmas letter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows 2000
December 8
Replace all 6000 sq.ft. of front yard with red pointsettas.
December 9
Have Gardener replace every third pointsetta with a white one.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for the curvature of the earth.
December 11
Lay Fabrege egg
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect Dentures.They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.
Decmeber 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "Hoilday Scents" in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir, refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toliet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for a white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
Decmeber 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Psychological Christmas carols for your personal favorite personality disorder
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Kings Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants
and...
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You = Why
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia,
All is Flat, All is Lonely
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
(.........better start again...)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
FISHWRAP SITE OF THE WEEK!
http://members.xoom.com/primall/mahir
"Welcome! I Kiss You!"