Friday Fishwrap

Back to Linkity Link Land

Back to Linkity Link Land

The Pumpkin Peace Project. Don't feel like taking to the streets and shouting "No blood for oil" - well, whip out the 'ol carving knife and take a stand. Your message may be lost on the little ones obsessed with candy and all things sweet and tricks and treats, however parents and neighbors are another story.

You too can be a Bushy speechwriter. Pretty fun!

This shit is funny! The Mechanic. Okay, this woman is beyond stupid. She shouldn't even be allowed to own a car.

Bad News. A prank that went bad - very bad. You have to hear the final line. Ooops!

Who Let the Dogs Out

Who Let the Dogs Out
San Francisco Giants made the playoffs! Oh, poor Dodgers... no mo' fo' Nomo this year. Too bad. Now if I can just envision us actually beating Arizona...Ha! Hey, stranger things have happened - at least my house didn't burn down. (if you haven't been keeping up with the rest of the class: My Devil Cat and My OCD)

In other news, so far I have avoided doing anything resembling mental or physical exertion this weekend, unless you count a couple of crosswords. But now that it's a bit cooler out, I'm guessing I might have some yard work in my immediate future. Damn.

Crazy Cat Lady Update Because

Crazy Cat Lady Update
Because I know you all have been on pins and needles, here it is...

1) I have not harmed any cats since the destruction of my powerbook. But each and every one of them gets the hairy eyeball and suspicious sneers and growls from me for the next 3 weeks. You are all guilty... of something, I'm sure. Laura over at Head-Rush gets a Bozo Button for most humorous comment: "Cats, The Other White Meat."

2) We have found homes for all three kittens from the rescued feral littler.
a)Grey Kitten (code named Blue) is going to two really nice guys and their son once her skin thing clears up. She's not real pretty to look at right now.
b) Black kitten #2 (code named Ruby) has found a sweet loving home with a woman named Rhonda.
c) Long hair black kitten #1 (code named Jinx) has found a wonderful lesbian home with many other cats to play with. Uh-huh. I'm a suckah... This brings our total number of house cats to 4 as follows:

Bailey
Smidge
Mouse
Jinx
----
Junior, born of the wild has returned to his roots and gone feral on us
Greyson we time share with the neighbors ::shrug:: what are ya gonna do?

3) In the last two days we have trapped, altered and released 2 ferals in our neverending quest to STOP THE MADNESS. We have another trapping on Monday and 6 more in November.

4) I'm learning a big lesson about not getting emotionally attached to the ferals.

"There is no place for sentimentality when dealing with feral cats. Their way of life is hard but they are tough and incredibly resilient. Given help from knowledgeable humans who are able to combine compassion with commonsense, there is much that can be done to relieve their distress and suffering and which will enable them to enjoy a good quality of life in the free-living state."
from FAB Cats

I could use a little

I could use a little help

I can't recover my address book at the moment, so if we correspond on even a semi-regular basis, send me an email dammit. How the hell am I supposed to remember "youdot.underscore_lastname@somewhereimportant.com" huh?

I can't.

Yeah this means you too earthquake boy.

And don't even ask why my header image is not loading - my header hurts. It's all I can do to even get blogger to publish anything.

Here Kitty Kitty you motherfucking

Here Kitty Kitty
you motherfucking piece of shit.

I have never understood why a person would ever hurt an animal. EVER. There's nothing more evil. Period. However, this morning I did briefly entertain the idea. I didn't hurt any of the cats, but I did have a breakdown. Why you may ask?

One of the fucking cats pissed - yes PISSED - on my Powerbook. While it was ON. It's now completely fried. Gone. Nada. I was greeted this morning by the lovely smell of cat piss and a burning motherboard. And the stomach dropping realization that I had not backed up in over a week.

All my work. Gone. All my email. Gone. All my contacts. Gone. And I'm in the middle of a rather large project at the moment. Back to the drawing board. I have to start from scratch.

I was thankfully able to borrow an old powerbook from my friend and collegue James, who I just happened to catch at LAX before he left the country! You are a GOD James! You sweet man, you've saved me. It's an old G3, the fat one with no USB, no CD-ROM and of course, no Fire Wire. At this point, I don't fucking care - we'll cross that bridge when we need to. In the meantime I have shuttle files between the missus' mac and this machine via the network. Small potatoes in the big scheme of things.

So what do I do now? Well, a new iMac is on it's way (the 17" widescreen baby!). The joy of my purchase is unfortunately tempered by my extreme anger and frustration with a certain feline who might have to have her bladder removed.

Is it Beer:30 yet? Key-rist,

Is it Beer:30 yet?

Key-rist, it can't only be 12:30 can it? My routine was severely disrupted this morning. I had an 8:30am meeting (I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I said "Sure!" to that!) Then I had to take the Missus across town for her meeting (of course, my meeting ran late so we had to Steve McQueen it over there for an ontime arrival) THEN I got- almost - all the way back to our end of town when another client called me in for an emergency conference - yes - back on the other side of town. Screech - U-turn. After all the who-ha and half a tank of gas later I said fuck it. I ate McDonalds. Screw the diet. It was good. I won't apologize.

Anyway - here's today's time waster: Celebrity or Look-alike?

Okay - this just fucking

Okay - this just fucking cracked me up! Evite: Come Join Us!

link via decaf venti no-whip mocha

Did you feel that? I

Did you feel that?

I usually like to keep the Fishwrap on a light, upbeat, linkity linky, and non-personal note but something is compelling me to take us to a higher level right now, to share with you some very personal things about me.

I have a couple of habits that some might diagnose as OCD but I like to call them cute little personality quirks..

1) Weather: I am fascinated by weather. I can actually watch The Weather Channel and have a great time. Weather is everywhere and I have to check it constantly. Not by going outside mind you, but by checking Wunderground.com roughly every hour. Yes, I could take a few moments and actually walk out into the backyard and easily determine that it's hot. Fucking hot. But that would not satisfy my craving for hard scientific evidence to confirm that it's hot. See? Right there - it says it's 110º outside. Now that's Hot!

And I don't just check the weather outside my door. I have a favorites list for people I know around the country and check their weather too. It's a bonding thing. "Oh, it's cold and rainy in Grand Rapids! Better put a sweater on sweetie." Plus, I get totally jazzed looking at the NEXRAD radar composites.

2) Earthquakes: Ah, now this is a healthy and safe habit to have. See, we live in earthquake country. There is an earthquake here on average every couple of hours. Little ones, but still - something is always moving down there! Here's the rub though - while I can see on the national radar that we are in no danger of a thunderstorm or hurricane, and never will be, there is no way to predict an earthquake. Right? Wrong! Just look at the map! Increased activity means - increased activity! More earthquakes! Duh! It's all building up to something!

A dear friend of mine (who I know reads this all the time, btw - hey where's that drink you promised me?!) shares in my obsession quirk. He checks the map all the time too. And right now, I know he is thinking the same thing I am. Something is a-brewing! We had a good little 4.1 on Saturday (that would be the big yellow square on the map). There is "increased activity" (code word for DANGER!) throughout the state. Mark my words. There's something happening. Everyone thinks San Francisco is the Earthquake Capital, but no. Just look at the map. I moved to the friggin shake zone.

3) Fire: I am convinced that someday our house will burn down. I unplug things every time we leave the house. I smell smoke all the time, and will spend hours trying to find the source. The missus can attest to the fact that when it comes to fire, I am a little more than obnoxious. I think it all stems from a recurring dream I had as a child. If there are any dream analysts out there - maybe you can help me with this one...

In the basement of the house I grew up in there was a rec room (with a little sink and fridge). In my dream, I would be standing in this room, looking down the long hallway to the laundry room. The entire laundry room, hallway, and rec room was engulfed in flames. On the counter by the sink and fridge, there was a large coffee urn (we never owned one but it was like the kind we had at church - polished stainless steel) and the flames were reflecting off the urn. I did not get burned and I was not afraid. I just stood there and watched.

I had that dream on a semi-weekly basis from the time I was 6 until I was about 14. I had it once as an adult, when I was about 27. What the fuck does it mean?

So there you have it. Maybe I am insane, but these things keep me out of trouble. To further prove my point, I have signed up for the EDIS reports of weather advisories, earthquakes, and wildfires throughout the state to be sent to me via text messaging on my cell phone. And did I mention blackouts?

My worst fear? Earthquake weather (there is such a thing you know) that precedes an 8.6 quake resulting in the complete devastation (by fire) of my home. It could happen! I'm not insane!

So, now that you've had a little peak into my brain - I hope we can still be friends.

I shopped like a girl.

I shopped like a girl. And it was good.

I went to the Cabazon Outlets, which has just about every fucking brand name a label whore could wet dream about. Bonus: you can burn off about 25,000 calories just walking from one end to the other. The fucked up part is that you have to park at one end or the other, which means that you have to walk the mall TWICE in order to get back to your car. They do have a food court at the midpoint where you can see weary bleary eyed shoppers and their piles of bags just trying to stuff enough carbs and caffeine into their bodies to make it back to the car.

I successfully avoided the stores where I haven't a clue what to buy, what is/is not a good deal and where the sales clerks (yes - you are CLERKS! you fucking pseudo high brow twits!!) look at me as if I just fell off the delivery truck. These stores include but are not limited to: Versace, Armani, Prada, Gucci and Ferragamo.

I've often found that outlets are not neccesarily cheaper than the actual retail stores. Usually it's just a scam to get you to pay full price for factory second merchandise because you're exhausted and not in your right mind. But this day, I was successful. I was the victor! The following items totaled under $300, few of which had any noticable defects.

2 pairs of Levi's
1 pair Polo cargo pants (marked 30" inseam, but actually about a 42" inseam)
1 Kenneth Cole shirt
1 Saks off 5th leather jacket (faulty zipper)
1 pair of sandles
1 pair of loafers
1 pair of Timberland hiking hybrid shoes (with a free ugly sweatshirt!)
1 Hugo Boss pull over
1 North Face fleece jacket (Final purchase - not in my right mind. Yeah - winters coming to the desert any minute now!)

The Strange, The Sad and

The Strange, The Sad and The Ugly

The Strange:
Drive this guy insane! No, really. Best done in the evening hours when you can actually see the lights go on and off. You have to reload the page to see the updated webcam.

Fred Flintstone selling Winston Cigs? Yabba Dabba Do [cough, hack]. Barney! Get me my inhaler, you knucklehead!

More Mean Kitties

Do you want fries with that? Seems Fried Chicken and Hamburgers are the prefered Final Meals in Texas.

The Sad: (it's a little more serious than usual folks)
Have we not learned anything from Brandon Teena? It is Ohio, granted, but c'mon. I classify this reporting as sad simply because of what the 'psychiatrist' says about her 'condition'. Please.

The Ugly:
Here are some examples of the worst lesbian porn fiction I have ever read in my entire life. It's like a Lesbian Penthouse Forum - only worse.

Some people will do anything for money

The following was shamelessly horked from Dargie Blithers who horked it from someone else

Which Izzard Are You?

Slut Izzard: You'll crawl into any duvet any time of the day.  You get to shag everyone, and wear all their clothes. You're concerned with appearances, whether anyone will shag you, or whether you'll shag anyone else. Rejoice!! For you are a fashion queen.

Finally (whew!) - from Page Six: Ro creates a scene. Some say she's drunk!

The New Honeymooners? I'm seeing

The New Honeymooners?

I'm seeing a new hit primetime comedy show!!

Many thanks and wicked props to Robyn G. over at smackTHEweasel for sourcing out the photos! You rock!

One for the Boys Subject:

One for the Boys

Subject: Generic Drug Names

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.
via joel

Bada Bing! How good was

Bada Bing!
How good was it to see a friggin' new Soprano's last night? I am so psyched for the new season, but completely depressed because I'm back on my "no wheat, no flour, no sugar, meat, meat and more meat!!" diet. Due to a summer full of "sure, why not!" rationalizations resulting in an all out eating bonanza, I now aspire to rid myself of 3 months worth of micro brews, chips, cheese steaks and pizza. I must remain steadfast. Mind over stomach. This means I can't have my famous baked ziti. In fact, I can't even make it. That would be like asking a junkie to hold your eight-ball for a few minutes. It wouldn't be pretty folks.

I used to make the baked ziti every Sunday for the Soprano's. The girls would come over and we'd drink a gallon of Chianti and gorge ourselves 'til we couldn't move. Alas alack. Not until those 501's are hanging off me baby (i.e. I could actually USE one of those belts hanging in my closet for its intended purpose). The missus would love for me to make it I'm sure, but I'm selfish that way. Sorry Charlie. I'm not going to make it if I can't HAVE it. Talk to me when I've hit my target - hopefully before the season is over.

And Then There Were Three...

And Then There Were Three...

The fun never ends! The Missus has not yet greeted the day (hey - it's Sunday!) so she is unaware of the new addition and unable to Carol Merrill for me.

We now have the whole litter (I hope - I'm fairly certain - or we'll find out soon enough). I haven't been able to sex the grey one yet, it's still putting up the good fight, but the two black ones are both female long hairs. No word yet from Nice Lady Annie who wanted a kitten. I am hoping that she is simply away for the weekend. Besides, I doubt that I could get her to take all three, so I am just going to put this out here...

On the off chance that one of you, my dear readers, is in or knows someone in the Coachella Valley, Inland Empire, or L.A. Area and would like to adopt one (or two... or three) of these kittens, please email me at mj@gay.com and we'll talk about adoption requirements.

In other pet news: I am off to go help my friend with his horse. See, she eats dirt. While this delicious adolescent habit did not have a long lasting adverse effect on me (to the best of my knowledge) it's not very healthy for a horse. In fact it's quite life threatening. Second time she's been at the vets this summer and it's now time to proof the stall. Who's a nice gay boy gonna call? Butch dyke in a tank top with power tools. ::flexing for all the girls::

Goddamn. Do I have a fucking neon sign over me that says "St. Francis Lives Here"?

Uh-Oh

Uh-Oh

Presenting Jinx: Found Friday the

Presenting Jinx: Found Friday the 13th, 2002

File under: Eeewwww The Horror!

File under: Eeewwww

The Horror! The Horror! Check out the Meatball Sub. What the hell does a school lunch like this cost nowadays anyway? Whatever it is - it's overpriced. You'd have to pay ME!

Someone please explain to me how Magic Sand works? This illustrates the actual properties but does little to actually explain why it looks like a turd when poured into water.
8th grade word of the day: turd

I've got my eye on you.

File under: Aawwwww
So guess what happened this morning? Yet another feral kitten is rescued and is now residing in our guest bathroom (pic to come soon). The good news is that this one is so young that thankfully I was spared the psychotic scratch and bite fest of past feral rescues. She (it's rather ambiguous right now, but I'm calling it a she) is so damned cute. A little long hair all black kitten. Found on Friday the 13th no less. If that doesn't just beg for a naming contest, I don't know what does. I'm thinking "Jinx". Momma Cat is none too happy about my good deed and I am sure tonight we will suffer the gut wrenching howls of a Momma looking for her baby. We've done this before, so we're prepared. Doesn't really make it easier though. And the bottle feeding every 4 hours gets old quick.

Good news is the kitten already has a home (no, not here - no room at the inn!) I received an unsolicited note on our front door about a month ago from a woman asking if we had anymore kittens (she apparently saw the other litter through the fence - now that I think about it... what the hell was she doing staring through our fence?) So anyway. Nice lady named Annie will soon be the pround owner of a brand new 5 week old kitten! Now we just have to grab the other 2 kittens and find them homes.

Last but not least:
The Soda vs. Pop study.
via the missus and gretchen

Ooh Eee Ooh Ah Ah

Ooh Eee Ooh Ah Ah
Have you ever had really inappropriate thoughts at precisely the wrong time? Like laughing at a funeral or getting the giggles in church? Today (and a few days before to be perfectly honest) I had this goddamn song running through my head (thanks to OgGogBeGog I'm fairly certain). Not the kind of thing you want to be walking around humming on a day of mourning and rememberance. But I couldn't help it! I'd just be sitting here and all of the sudden - Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang. Oh well, not much I can do about it. I guess it's just my brains way of telling me that it's all too much to process.

Live. Laugh. Enjoy life. And don't yell at me if you find yourself humming that for the next few days - It's a catchy little number!

I don't know what others

I don't know what others are doing today, but last night I decided to go through my inbox and reread the many letters that I received from the ones I love. What I found was more real, and raw to me than anything else.

The following excerpts are from September 11, 2001 and the days that followed.

---

"I haven't been able to get through to her either, but will continue to try"

---

"Thanks. Yes, I got an e-mail too. He sounds shaken. All's well here."

---

" Take care of yourselves today. breathe and pray. pray and breathe. I won't apologize for being dramatic. This is a horrific day."

---

"I hope that all those close to you are safe. I hope no one we know was on that plane headed for San Francisco."

---

"Maybe it's as simple as stepping outside into the daylight to look around and take it all in, really look at the trees and the houses and the people and reassure yourself it's all still there and still functional and the world is still spinning, more or less, though sadly hobbled, somehow that much more ethereal and strange, that much more fragile than before."

---

"I feel forever changed. I feel horrified and sick. I feel deeply sad. I could cry any second. I could lay down and sleep and not move for a while. Lots of emotions are swirling. What is missing from my emotions is anger. I am not angry - at least not yet. Horror and disbelief are still holding court in my head"

---

"how can they can look in the face of that beautiful little girl and give her a reason why it is okay to use her body to kill other innocent people...why she must die for THEIR cause...why what THEY want is far more important than what she wants...why THEY have the right to make that decision...why THEY have the right to decide who lives and who dies...why THEY are now GOD..."

---

"chaotic times are here. we can not change the fact that chaos is present, but we have a choice how we want to react to chaos. lots of love to you both "

---

"I was due to leave for Italy this monring...well...as you can see I am home and I think I will cancel my flight.."

---

"So, he's now stuck back there, but is OK, and will continue to be so as long as his Lorazipan holds out."

---

"I miss you both, I love you, I'm terrified and sad, and I wish I were there in the United States right now and we were all together and that I could hold you (and that you could hold me). As it is, I am safely in London. I am due to return to San Francisco on Sunday (again, terrified)."

---

"We've been spending as much time w/friends as possible...M sent his office home and went home to cook a big pot of risotto...by the time we left there were probably 15 ro 20 of us, eating warm soft food, drinking good wine, playing w/baby and just being together... we miss you both terribly...xxoo"

---

"A bunch of us got together at our place to smoke two packets of cigs each, sip wine and beer, graze on potluck, and talk and talk. It was what everyone wanted and needed to do."

---

"I can not let go the sadness. My heart is so heavy. I bought a flag yesterday. Not sure why, but I did. It's hanging from the garage today. A small gesture of solidarity and unity - new found patriotism. Somehow reaching out to others who, as I do, need to know that we are not alone, we are one people. I've wept. I've stared at the sky in disbelief. I can not find answers. Everything seems so surreal."

---

"I'm going to 2 memorials this weekend...trying to cope through it all. I have no words."

---

"We'll go forward from this moment sobered, chastened, sad. But determined, too. Unimaginably determined."

---

"Last night at our friends house, people were drinking, laughing, telling stories, trying to forget, doing whatever it took to just get away from it for a while. I couldn't stand it. I had to get up and walk away."

---

 

Nothin' But Freaky Links More

Nothin' But Freaky Links
More lego fun. One: A Space Odyssey is 2001 done in less than 4 minutes - with legos!
1.8MB QuickTime Movie

Not entirely sure what to make of MashiMaro but it's strangely fascinating.
flash required

Apparently, there is an official name for it now... Japanese Asciimation. Here's a new one. If you're not into loud music (The Offspring) or you are at work - turn the volume down.

Speaking of strange and fascinating things, here's a collection of weird shit. Scrumpdillyishus Land

The OFFICIAL Watching Paint Dry Webcam. Don't be fooled by imitations.

Monster Dolls Something for every girl and boy. Now with SnapOnOrgans[tm]

And finally - for some serious fucked up shit (and I don't use those words lightly) Virtual Om. Makes me wish I still dropped acid. Ah, those were the days, I think.
each square loads a new movie

Second Homeless Moments after posting

Second Homeless
Moments after posting that last missive, I went to load the Jeep (OFEFTA) only to find I had a flat tire. Yup - Big 'O Screw in my Big 'O Tire [tm]. It did put us a few hours behind schedule and I missed kick-off (not that the missus cared), but my boys came through for me. Who'da thunk a 49er kicker could actually win a game for us? And MSU won, and the Giants have pulled within 1 game. Good weekend for sports my friends.

So we're done with the house. Finis. Putting the key through the mail slot took 30 seconds. It should have been a quick 2 second gesture. But in my atypical theatrical fashion, I made it a grand gesture with a flourish finale as I relinquished all access to what is soon to no longer be our house. My hand almost got stuck. That would have really sucked, to be all dramatic and shit only to have to call someone to help pry your hand out of a mail slot. The missus was in the car. She had no idea how close we were to a medical emergency.

We still have 2 days during which something horrible could happen and we could fall out of escrow I suppose. Stranger things have happened, but I doubt it will. We're done. The dotted lines have been signed. Our thumbprints taken by the "mobile" notary (side bar: This guy was fucking weird. He showed up 45 minutes early and wouldn't shut up about how he's this big conservative ex-cop who has gay son and he's "okay with that, ya know?" "There's a lot of gays in Palm Springs aren't there?" "I knew this gay guy once..." Key-rist! Can we just fucking get this over with please?).

The best part? No, not the direct deposit (but talk to me in a couple of days) The best part is that I will never have to make that fucking 8 hour drive again. Fear not my dear Bay Area friends, you have not seen the last of us (well, maybe for a few months, but I'm guessing that you might be a bit sick of us at this point) It's Alaska Airlines from now on. 5 mins to the airport, a 52 minute flight and a rental car. Ah, now that's traveling folks.

On a completely unrelated note:
Whilst at the lake last month, we were treated to a rare sight. A Bald Eagle soaring overhead. It was truly an amazing and beautiful sight. We have Golden Eagles nesting up there and at first I wasn't sure it really was a Bald Eagle, but there was no doubt. The white head, the white tail feathers, a wingspan of a house. It never once flapped its wings, just soared in circles on the updrafts. We momentarily feared for the little shitzu (sp?) dog, Lily, next door (what a horrific thing that would have been - "Yipe!") but the eagle made it's way down the shore and slowly out of sight. Absolutely Stunning.

We're headed back up to

We're headed back up to SF this morning to close on the house - Yippie! We have to leave in a few minutes to ensure we arrive in 49er country in time for kick off. The missus, not being a big sports fan (unless you count figure skating, which I do now, in order to preserve harmony in the house) is not too happy to be missing Big Brother in order to watch 22 sweaty guys run around for 4 hours. Guess, she'll be checking the live text feeds, but we all know Roddy is a goner...

I'll be back Sunday, until then - I leave you with this ... 316

More phone fun! I don't

More phone fun! I don't know why I get such a kick outta telemarketer pranks but I do. For those of you at work - there is a rating system (G, PG, R etc).

How to kill your fledgling music career: Step 1: Alienate what little fan base you have by sending out a homophobic email!

Check out this groovy pad! For a mere $2,000,000.00 you can own your very own Missle Launch Control Center!

Artsy Farsty Crap:
Making sense of Marcel Duchamp

Taschens upcoming Architecture and Design releases look great! Yum!

In other news:
Ah, September. When Sports Collide

What more could a dyke ask for? There is a fierce NLWest Wild Card race. College Football is back. And Thursday night is the NFL season kick off! There's just not enough beer in the world!

Ages 8 and up gift

Ages 8 and up
gift wrapping not available

Harry Potter Nimbus 2000 Broom
Mothers can't believe how much their daughters (and -gasp- sons) LOVE their new toy!

"My only problem I see with the toy is the batteries drain too fast and his sister fights him over it, so now I need to buy her one."

Just go ahead and get them the Magic Wand. It doesn't require batteries.
via all over the fucking web