Friday Fishwrap

What could happen? So we're

What could happen?
So we're having a little party tonight. It being the start of the holiday season, we thought we would get ours in and out of the way early. Besides, every weekend from now until January is already spoken for. It's not really a "holiday" party per se. We have no tree yet, there's not a single ornament to be found around here and I refuse to put on any Christmas music. It's still November fer pete's sake and I'm just not ready to go there yet. But party we will. We're expecting at least 40 people plus their guests.

There are three key ingredients to a successful party.

Numero Uno) Food and Beverage.
Ya gotta have plenty of booze with this crowd. We once underestimated their capacity and were scrambling to get ice and vodka at 1:00 in the morning. Never again. Better to have too much than not enough. We have a second standard size fridge in the garage. We kept it when we updated the kitchen appliances for just this type of situation. It's usually unplugged but it's extremely handy when entertaining, provided that it does its job and keeps things cold. Which it doesn't now. Old faithful gave up the ghost last night. I discovered this after loading it with three 20 lb. bags of ice in the freezer and a case of beer, several bottles of wine and vodka. Not to mention the food platters I was going to put in there today. Hmum. Okay. Improvise. The platters should be interesting. I'm sure we'll find a way to share shelf space with the leftover turkey, stuffing, potatoes, et al.

Numero Dos) Music.
The right mix is key. Early in the evening, people want to be able to converse but you don't want to put them to sleep. As the night wears on, and folks are getting well lubricated, there will probably be dancing. I burned some new CDs for the party. A few fun mixes. I like to put them on shuffle so I never have to worry about changing disks. I thought I would do a little dry run last night. Just into the third song, the CD player died: the dreaded "n0 dIsk" display even though I know there are 5 disks in there. I tried a little percussive maintenance (purposeful pounding on the top of the player) to no avail. Guess I'm going to make a little trip to Rocky's Pawn Shop this morning to pick out someone else's "crack attack, I got no rent money, it's not stolen officer" CD player to get us through the party.

Numero Tres) A fun group of people.
Now I know we've invited a great crowd, but I have no idea who is and is not coming. I've not heard back from many people though I know they are in town and they always come to our parties and bring guests. We always end up with about 20 more people than we invited. Unfortunately, folks around here have a bad habit of not RSVPing.

Around 8:30 I'm going to have a panic attack that no one is going to show up. AND then there's that awful 30 minute period just before people are supposed to arrive when you are all dressed, the house is clean, everything is laid out - everything is set to go. And you have nothing to do but wait. Drum your fingers. Wander around. Wait. Taste the dip for the 5th time. Double check the lighting. Wait. Rearrange the bar ware. Re-stack the napkins. Wait. Then the first guests arrive and before you know it there are too many people and the cat has gotten into the cheese and someone is asking you where they could find more tonic and you've lost your cigarettes and there's no toilet paper and it starts raining in the fucking desert.

Now that's a party!

Pumpkin pie in the morning.

Pumpkin pie in the morning. Life doesn't get much better than this... all is good in the world. Except for one thing. I got a goddamn splinter last night putting a log on the fire. Right in the pad of my right pinkie. And I couldn't get it out. So I poured another drink, put on John Maher and ate my pie. The splinter's still there this morning. Each time I hit return or shift I curse the log. Fucking wood. A pox upon thee.

If you haven't seen Will Ferrell's Original Switch Ad you'll still enjoy his holiday twist on Apple's Switch campaign. Santa got his ass handed to him, baby.

This made me laugh so

This made me laugh so hard I cried. I'm going to hell... I know it.

U.S. Deploys Very Special Forces

innocent young bird dead

innocent young bird
dead and cooked on my table
that bastard tastes good

Thanksgiving Haiku by irish-girl

Is there a Googlologist in

Is there a Googlologist in the house?

I consider myself a pretty web savvy person. I worked in the industry for many years. I started long before we had what is now "The Web" (can you say Mosaic?) and know my way around the block. When I don't understand something - I figure it out. I ask questions. I have a question...

When you google Friday Fishwrap (yes virginia, it is a verb now) you are given a couple of options with each result. You can view the cached page or you can click on the Similar Pages link (you can also go directly to the related sites by using the "related:" search operator). Google refers to this as Google Scout: "GoogleScout can be used for many purposes. If you like a particular site's content, but wish it had more to say, GoogleScout can find sites with similar content with which you may be unfamiliar."

Now I did a related search for the Fishwrap and guess what showed up? While I am flattered to find myself in such good company on this page there was one exception. The third site down is troubling to me. I won't assist in any page ranking results by referring to it here ... go see for yourself. It's pretty obvious: click here.

My question? How the FUCK are we related? Can someone explain this to me please? In layman's terms, not mathematical mumbo jumbo about algorithms and such.

What shall we do

What shall we do with a drunken sailor? Answers to this age old question and more...

I'd be laughing if it

I'd be laughing if it weren't so goddamn true...

What
lesser-known Simpsons character are you?

Brought to you by the good folks at sacwriters.com.

Clickables Freaky, creepy and fascinating:

Clickables

Freaky, creepy and fascinating: Dark Passage. Hospital Hopscotch totally creeped me out but I had to keep going!

Archaeological Collage Great concept of taking historical photographs and morphing them with current photos, same location, same angle.

Game Button Arcade Fun-ky little java script button games. I got a 9.107 on the 50 yard dash.

Paint by Numbers I'm currently working on "Homage to Kandinsky." Of course I couldn't start with an easy one...

caution: sports talk ahead It

caution: sports talk ahead

It went from bad to worse in the blink of an eye.
I was raised in Spartan Country. My parents are both (now semi-retired) professors at Michigan State. I grew up spending every other fall Saturday tailgating with my Grandparents outside Spartan Stadium. While I did not graduate from Michigan State (I chose art over academics) I have stickers and sweatshirts and caps and THE FLAG. The missus kids me about the flag, but a few times she's surprised me by secretly raising it on random Saturday mornings. My blood runs green folks.

Two words for the Michigan State University football season: TRAIN WRECK. While we had a smashing start, everything quickly went to hell in a hand basket and we became the laughing stock of the Big 10. Ah, reminds me of the old Northwestern University days, but at least those guys were smart.

We started out with great potential. We crushed our first two opponents (okay so they were not tough teams, duh, Eastern Michigan and Rice? But it did plant seeds of hope and aspiration). These were quickly followed by two stunning losses, UCLA and Notre Dame - followed by more losses - and then it all quickly spiraled out of control. Our quarterback, Jeff Smoker (insert joke here) is suspended for drugs and checks himself into rehab. A week later, Dawan Moss, our star tailback is arrested for drunk driving and thrown in jail for dragging a cop 20 feet with his car. Then, the powers that be fired our coach, Bobby Williams (one of only 4 African American football coaches in the NCAA) for the obvious lack of control he had over the team. Race cards are played, rumors fly... It's not pretty. And now the cherry on top. A fitting 63-7 loss to Penn State in our final game yesterday. The worse loss in MSU history since 1922. And a 4-8 record for the season. For shame.

Thank God it's over. Regroup the troops people! Time for B-Ball and the road to the Final Four. I know Tom Izzo has his boys under control. I wouldn't fuck with the Iz-man kids. He'll kick your ass.

Today it's all about me and my DirecTV NFL Sunday Ticket. I'm going to lay around in my sweatpants, eat chips, drink beer and watch the professionals get the job done.

Transcending Spaces A mid-season replacement

Transcending Spaces A mid-season replacement on TLC.

Maybe Michael Jackson (I refuse to call him MJ - It's an insult to MJ's around the world) should try one of these.

This weeks Too Much Time on Your Hands award goes to Dalton Ghetti, and artist who carves miniature sculptures out of pencil lead. Actually, they are pretty amazing considering how often I break the lead on my pencil.
via B3TA

Too Much Time: Honorable Mention
A few weeks ago I sent a couple of friends a link to Geek Bling Bling because they are geeks and I thought it was funny. Little did I know that there is a whole Case Mod community out there.

Paper or Plastic?
Found on another blog I googled upon - but it seemed like kind of a private place for a few friends so I won't reference it.
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moments" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up seveal items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER-SIZE."

That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone,a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

OMG - this story has

OMG - this story has to be the funniest thing I've read in just about forever. Thanks Blu! and congrats to the only woman I know who has two mouths. mouth 1 and mouth 2

12:00pm Smokeout Update: Still smoke

12:00pm Smokeout Update: Still smoke free. Depression and ADD have begun to set in.. and the strong desire to lock myself into a padded room. Grrr

3:15pm Smokeout Update: Still smoke free. Fascinated by small shiny objects.

5:10pm Smokeout Update: I caved. That gum tastes like shit. But hurray for me for going *most* of the day. Not bad.

Today is the Great American Smokeout. For one day, I am going to buy into this fucking hoohah and try not to smoke for 24 hours, with a little help from my friend THE GUM.

I don't know why I am doing it. I've smoked a pack a day for 20 years (yes, I started when I was 16). Seems silly to quit for one day. Why not just go the distance and quit for good? Because I like smoking. I enjoy it. I derive great pleasure from it. I have not prepared myself for *really* quitting. But the missus has been trying to "cut back" (read: quit without actually saying the words) and yesterday was her first smoke free day, so I guess this is kind of a solidarity thing. I don't know. I think I am insane. I've only tried this once before with my Mom 15 years ago. I made it until 2:00pm. She quit for good cold turkey 5 years later.

So far I've skipped my morning coffee, newspaper, crossword and now my blog smokes.

He's just such a fucking

He's just such a fucking FREAK. First the freakish sideshow photos and now the dangling baby.

Just in time for Christmas

Just in time for Christmas - get your favorite homophobe a can of "Gay-Away"! If only they made a "Straight-Away"...

I'm Baaaack! For a small fee terminally ill patients will MEMORIZE your message, and deliver it to your chosen deceased recipient, after they croak.
both via the missus

Mmm Bop: Did I mention

Mmm Bop:
Did I mention that the missus tuned into that CBS "Master Spy: The Hanssen Story" the other night and was shocked and disappointed to discover that it was not a show about her favorite band? Screams of "Where's my Tay?!?" could be heard throughout the neighborhood.

Yes, she's a Hansen fan folks. Even joined the online fan club. She'd bat for the other team if Tay (short for Taylor) would have her. But alas, he's married now and has a kid. Good home schooled christian boy knocks up teenage fan - shotgun celebrity wedding follows. Ah, american values. My good friend Sabrina said it best when she quipped "That Zac, he's no stranger to the bong." And that Ike? Someone got smacked with the ugly stick - and hard.

So there she is, my XXsomething* wife. Cavorting with screaming teenage girls swooning over Ike, Tay and Zac. Sometimes it's best not to question.

*missuses age not disclosed to protect my head from being whacked sharply when I'm not looking.

I've just been duly informed that it's spelled HANSON, with an O. We apologize for any inconvenience this error may have caused. I just can't wait for all the teeny bopper google searches sure to come.

Home Improvement Progress Report:
Roof: 3/4 done. Ran out of roofing material Sunday and must make the required 3rd visit to Lowes.
Rule #347: any home improvement job, no matter the size, requires a minimum of 3 visits to the Homo Depot-Lowes-DYI Superstore of your choice.

Pool: Pretty much what you see below. They haven't been back since Thursday. Today is Tuesday. It's supposed to be done Friday. I'm nervous. I just hope they didn't end up in jail after a two day drinking binge like our painter did. Ahem.

Fence: "What fence MJ? I didn't know you were replacing a fence too?!" Yeah, me neither. This was a job we hadn't anticipated but when our neighbor offered to pay 2/3 of the cost we said sure! And par for the course it involved another $700 in addition to remove the trees that were causing the damage to the last fence so what was supposed to be a $600 job is now a $1300 job. There go my kitchen counters. But now here we have progress. We have trees gone. We have large posts. Yeah! Fingers crossed that the guy shows up (sober) tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath.

In other news:
The Leonids were a bit of a disappointment here this morning. Yes that time stamp is correct. I crawled out of bed at 2:30 and stumbled outside. I was wrapped in a blanket on the lawn staring at - nothing really. A few bright stars, Mars was bright and red. Every now and then the occasional **zoom**... I blame it on that 'ol devil moon. It was so full our usually star carpeted sky was totally washed out and I saw maybe 12 good meteors at best. Nothing like last years downpour, still, it's always impressive.

L is for Loser This

L is for Loser

This whole daylight savings time thing is screwing me up. I hate it that it's pitch black outside at 5:30 now. I'll hate it even more in a month when the sun sets behind the mountain and it's dark at 4:30. This time of year I'm ready for a cocktail at 3:00 and I'd gladly eat dinner at 4:00. I'm like those old people waiting in line for the goddamn early bird special only without a senior discount.

On the plus side, part of my satellite package includes HBO East which rocks because we get to see the Sopranos at 6:00 instead of forcing ourselves to stay awake until 9:00.

Last night (okay, technically late afternoon) I made a big 'ol pot of penne pasta, popped a nice bottle of wine and we settled in for our Sunday evening. Sopranos at 6, followed by Curb your Enthusiasm at 7, then back to the west coast schedule to catch the second half of 60 Mins, followed by... I have no fucking idea. I was asleep by 8:00. Sing it with me... "She was lookin' kinda dumb with her finger and her thumb in the shape of an L on her forehead..."

Hey now...

Giddy Up! The rocking horse toilet. Now that's what I call innovation!

This is very cool and kind of voyeuristic. Not to mention a very nicely designed site. Take a peek into the lives of strangers. Look at Me: A Collection of Found Photographs.

Web Collage

"Take heed, thou dabbler in abominations, for you will be plagued with gnats, flies and locusts!" The Biblical Curse Generator

That's all for now - I'm off to finish my $@**%!!@ roof.

On Robyn's advice, I've figured

On Robyn's advice, I've figured out a way to show off my hard work to date via a helicopter fly by.

And here's what used to be my pool:

Two words: Roofing Sucks.

Now I know why most roofers are alcoholics (my apologies for wrongly accusing the 2 roofers in the world that aren't). I've spent the last three days tearing off the old roof on the garage (filled a 3 yard dumpster), laying tar paper, prepping flashing (oh yeah - discovered that my contractor who build our wrap around arbor/pavilion never installed any flashing and for some unknown reason - oh Budweiser perhaps - he cut the old flashing willy nilly - thanks!). Tomorrow I get to the pay off - Install new flashing and roll out the new roof.

Here's the pisser though - I can't show off my work to anyone. How the hell do you say "Hey, I know you're busy and all, but wanna climb up and check out my new roof??" Okay, that would work for some of my friends - if I promised them a cold one once we were up there, but most folks aren't that interested...

At the same time that I am doing the new roof, we've scheduled that Pool People to re-plaster and re-tile our pool. Now, if you've never done this before, which I hadn't, you might be interested to know that they use a lot of JACK HAMMERS... ALL DAY LONG... So now, I'm covered in cold tar, the house has nice fine layer of plaster dust and we're all deaf. Which reminds me... I haven't seen the cats. This just might have put them over the edge...

And here's what used to be my pool:

The following funny courtesy of Gretchen. You're so buggable.

It's all fun and games

It's all fun and games 'til someone gets arrested

Bumper Stickers we'd like to see:

Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.

The proctologist called...they found your head.

Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.

Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people "Everybody But Me."

If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
thanks uncle paul

Clickables
It's time to switch Bill...

BBC Choice has some kinda fun, if only a tad bit tiresome, games. I played L.A. Pool Party which is long, boring and pointless, and therefore very realistic. I don't understand why you get points deducted if you hit the rollerbladers. In my world you would get bonus points for those!

Bitter? Party of one? Your table is ready. The Swearing Xylophone Again not suitable for some work places or for people offended by the word cunt.

Kikko Man! Master of Soy Sauce! Saving the world from ketchup one corndog er.. something... at a time!

Don't Litter: Spay or Neuter

Don't Litter: Spay or Neuter your animal this week!
A little public service announcement:

Many of you know that the missus and I have assumed a certain level of responsibility for a large feral cat colony that lives on our property. They were here long before we bought the joint. The number of cats has continued to rise as we try and control growth, but the end is in sight for us. It's been a year now that we have been working on this and so far we have trapped and fixed 16 cats, tamed and found homes for 4 of them and yet there are probably about another 10 to go. It's a hard, but rewarding service.

This week the missus and I have sponsored a Feral Trap Alter Release Week at the local SPCA. Anyone can bring as many feral cats as they can trap to Animal Samaritans SPCA in Thousand Palms and have them spayed or neutered free of charge. Bonus - they also get a rabies shot and you are helping to make their rough life a little easier by stopping the madness!

If you are not in our area, you can still help by Spaying or Neutering your animal as soon as possible. Most SPCA's and shelters have low-cost programs or can advise you where to go.

If you have feral cats or a colony in your neighborhood, and the animal(s) appear healthy, please consider the trap, alter, release method. Many shelters rent live traps or can put you in touch with people who will loan or rent traps to you. You can always call animal control. Unfortunately in almost every case they will euthanized the animal within 3 days.

For more general information about feral cats check out www.AlleyCat.org.

For information regarding trapping cats check out Amby's Feral Cat Page

The Friday Night Report: 5:00PM

The Friday Night Report:
5:00PM "Thank god this fucking week from hell is over" cocktails at my buds to celebrate the completed remodel of her kitchen. It's gorgeous and has me eyeing the checkbook to see if we could squeeze in a new counter top. First things first though. New roof on the garage before the winter rains come HAHAHA! Okay, that was a little desert joke, sorry.

Then it was off to the Bamboo Lounge to show support for what is a great restaurant slash bar but due to incredibly inept management and marketing efforts - no one knows it exists. Don was working his little moog synthesizer piano thing (complete with 10 piece faux band on floppy disks) and we saddled up to the piano to sing a few numbers. In Meghans honor, I belted out "L-O-V-E". I think Nat King Cole turned in his grave. And a little Sammy Davis "Too Close for Comfort" ... My two friends gave "You Make Me Feel So Young" their best shot and we all got a free drink. It was then that I noticed that our local Diva Wannabe, the one and only Rebecca Clark and her breasts (they have their own restricted airspace) were quietly sipping their martini at the other end of the bar. After much coaxing, cooing and flirting on my part, I got her to agree to sing a few songs for us. Despite her attitude and complaints about "reverb" she entertained us with "Loverman" and the "Girl from Impanema".

This is about the time I realized that my cohorts were several sheets beyond (not into - quite beyond) the wind and I escorted them out of the place before we were asked to leave.

I received this in my inbox this morning:
"Thanks for getting Ms. Over-reach home last night. The last thing I truly recall is you saying "I'm going to drive you drunkety-drunks home" and thank God or I might still be singing karaoke. I woke up at 4 am with a half melted ice-cream bar next too my bed - apparently it was a bit too much effort to finish it in my state. Had a blast. Thanks again."

MJ is... weary and wayworn.

MJ is... weary and wayworn.

Sorry I've been AWOL the past week - sometimes real life gets in the way - and it sucks. It's been a hell of a fucking week for me. I won't be boring you with the details.

Happy Groundhog Day from Mr. Clean? Uh - alrighty then Mr. Original Ambiguously Gay Spokesperson.

Speaking of Ambiguously Gay... Would you like to take a ride on my Trolly?

Yeah - more retro time wasters!Pac Man excellent flash version.

Good looking stuff:
Move over Roget - the Visual Thesausus is in town.

Christmas is just around the corner. For your scientifically inclined recipients: The Element Collection a safely and attractively presented collection of all the 92 naturally occurring elements in the periodic table

This pretty much sums it

This pretty much sums it all up: MJ is...

Lazy day Resting up for

Lazy day
Resting up for tonight's big Luau and as yet unknown partying and merry making. Then Pride tomorrow. This town is hoppin'. They're expecting 60,000 tomorrow for the parade. For a town of 48,000 that's pretty damn good.

I spent this morning noodling around 5K.org. There's some really great stuff this year. The winner Swarm is great, but I also liked Night Waltz. Also groovy is Frutiger Toy. The whole list of entries is here.

Here's something for little person lover Robyn over at smackTHEweasel ... LittleKingz (little mikes, little drums, tiny itty bitty guitars...) check out the photo pages and their hit song What's the Big Idea (I kid you not..)

The Spooktacular Report The party

The Spooktacular Report

The party was fantastic as always, and a great kickoff to what is sure to be a fun filled and cocktail blurred weekend: Halloween, Tiki Weekend and Gay Pride all rolled into 3 glorious days and nights. Let the party begin!

As I mentioned yesterday, I had a hilarious costume and I am pleased to announce that I tied for first place in the Annual Spooktacular Costume Contest. I didn't really have a name for my costume, but the ever cleaver Karen dubbed me "Marge B52" - and that pretty much summed it up. My co-winner was Mishell, of Mishell and M. Jay (swear to god!). They're our parallel straight couple. Mishell pulled the opposite gender bender stunt as I did. She's normally a drop dead georgous Cleopatra, but last night she transformed into Homey from Hell. I didn't recognize her. Jay came sans costume (as did the Missus) and had the best line I heard all night - "Wow MJ! You came dressed as a woman!" Mishell and Jays son, Matt, came as Devil Boy from Hell, and I have yet to check in with them today to see if he was able to remove the RED PERMANENT MARKER ink he used to cover his ENTIRE BODY! Oh well, he's young. After the party, a few of us headed to St. James for more drinks and dancing. The most frightening part? I blended.

I must preface these photos for those of you who do not know me personally. My costume (Marge B52) is only funny if you know what I normally look like. So I've added an "Everyday MJ" pic to the lot. I wouldn't say I'm butch as hell but I'm definitely tip the scale in that direction. The last time I wore make-up and/or a dress was about 12 years ago for my cousins wedding. It involved Baby's Breath and it aint ever gonna happen again. Unless it's halloween!

Oh yeah, and the Missus refused to kiss me last night because it freaked her out too much. More photos as the weekend progresses. Feel free to tell me what an ugly girl I make - really, I scared myself!