Friday Fishwrap

Random Personal Hygiene Moment I

Random Personal Hygiene Moment
I smoke. I drink a lot of coffee and I wouldn't say my teeth are totally yellow, but yeah, they could be a little brighter. So in typical American OCD fashion, I've decided to whiten my teeth. Well, not really decided as in I weighed the pros and cons and made an informed choice, no it was really more of an impulse thing while at the supermarket. I stumbled onto those Crest White Strips and thought what the hell.. why not.

At checkout, I casually glanced at the screen as The Gal (that's what I call her - my checkout gal) rang them up and I nearly had a heart attack! $30! Holy crap! Oh well, if I tell her I don't want them now, she's going to be staring at my teeth for the duration of this transaction, and so will bag boi (she's cute!). I'm already self conscious enough about my teeth. They're a tad crooked. I never had braces as a kid. And though I've often thought about getting braces as an adult, I've chosen to live with the rack god gave me. But I should at least make the best of what I've got.

So now, $30 later, I am experiencing my first application as I type this. It's totally freaking me out! I look like some rabid beast foaming at the mouth. Is this supposed to happen?!? There's nothing in the directions about "copious amounts of bubbling saliva" just a line about a possible "tingling" sensation, which in my case feels more like I just bit down on a 220V live wire. Is this some sign that I have neglected serious dental care for too long? When I asked the missus "ifsh dish shupposhed ta vuvvle like dish?" She stared at me blankly for 10 seconds then said "say this: 'Silly Sally says she shall sew sheets!'" "Ha ha ha - that'sh sho funny!" and I went to go wipe the drool off my shirt.

I'll let you know how it goes.

Friday Fun The Fishwrap Five

Friday Fun
The Fishwrap Five Rocks the House! Make your own rock band.

Design for Impact Great book on Instructional Design and airline safety graphics. If you have an intense fear or going down in a cartwheeling ball of flames, you might want to skip the intro. No crash but the sound might give you the willies.

Speaking of crashes, Crash Play traffic cop for a day. Click the cars to speed them up or slow them down.

Speaking of crashes (oh wait, I already said that..) The Economists

Frog Mania Great little game. Enjoy!

In other news:
The girls came through again last night on Survivor. God knows how or why. They are so disorganized. Good thing they've got ole what's her name DA to crack the whip. Hopefully it won't come back to bite her in the ass, but girls being girls, I'm sure it will. And Daniel? If I didn't already know you were a total slacker loser... trying to play that race card last night was l-a-m-e. You are the weakest link. Goodbye.

Work work work. As a

Work work work. As a freelancer I should be doing the happy dance - but this whole "work" thing is totally interfering with my blog time!

via seabrook

via seabrook

Comments are on again -

Comments are on again - off again. Fucking Haloscam. Like I said - I'm moving to MT but I have to wait for my domain to transfer. If history is any indication - all should be well in, oh say... a year or two.

Go Norah! Go Norah! Man,

Go Norah! Go Norah! Man, that was great. She deserved every one. If you haven't heard her (and how could you have not really?) go out and get the CD today. There's so much more beyond "Don't Know Why". Nightingale will leave you breathless and aching. I love the Grammys. My favorite part of the show? Had to be London Calling. I had chills.

Now for some choice clickables:

Be Informed -Nuclear Blast: In step 2, the blast appears to be only one block away. So... I'm guessing that step 3 should actually read: Kiss your ass goodbye.

Rubber Duckie you're the one. You make bath time lots of fun. Rubber Duckie I'm awfully fond of you!

Now, why didn't I think of this? #437: LesbianPhoneCall.com. I could be rich! Rich, I tell ya!

Switch. Another Apple ad parody. "I never really asked for a male body!"

Live 365 Radio Satan. "Straight talk about Satanism as a religion. Also jazz, rock, international music, comedy clips, unusual recitals."

Maybe it was the cocktails,

Maybe it was the cocktails, or the fumes, but last night I could have sworn that I heard all the Wees down in Weeville break into a spontaneous rendition of Lolly Lolly Lolly Get Your Adverbs Here.

Just a little tip from

Just a little tip from me to you

No matter how butch you may feel, don't ever ever utter these phrases:

"Hell yeah, I can build that incredibly fucking complicated floating shelf thing, no problem!" or "Sure honey, I'd be happy to refinish the coffee table this weekend"

What the hell was I thinking?! Do I look like Norm Abram? Don't answer that. I gotta go out to dinner in 2 hours. I've got a permanent vibration in my forearms and hands from the sander and after half a gallon of mineral spirits, I still can't get this goddamn wood stain out from under my fingernails... Pretty.

Shake Awake Can't sleep. Hate

Shake Awake
Can't sleep. Hate that. I woke up around 2:00 feeling quite ill from a friggin brownie and a cappuccino I had last night - tonight - whatever. I finally got back to sleep about an hour later. And now I am rudely awakened at 4:19am in a state of confusion... Loud noise. Bed shaking. Oh right, earthquake. That's all I could manage to mumble. "earthquake" to which the missus mumbled back "mm-hmm". Then "aftershock" and "yup". It was a good shaker. We haven't had on in a while. And now I'm wide the feck awake and trolling online at 5:00 in the morning. Not much is happening. Where is everyone? Share my misery. Please. It'll be light soon. Damn it.

Welcome to Weeville Population 10

Welcome to Weeville
Population 10 12 14 15 16 17 19
a different kind of blogrolling

Update: The Missus asks

Update: The Missus asks that we please respect her privacy.

The likeness is uncanny! Create your own weemee then send it via an ecard.
registration required. bullshit information acceptable

All together now... Awww. Endless Love

Are you ready? Are your kids ready?

Dag-Nabit!

Too Much Information Award: All About My Vagina

Take a Positive Pause

Fun and Games Ad Guy

Fun and Games

Ad Guy II So it's a holiday card. Maybe it's just an industry thing - but damn, I laughed!

Despot or Sexpot? I scored 12/16. The music is hilarious, but by the time I got to the 10th question I had to hit mute.

The objective is to move the blue block out the opening on the right. Gridlock. I love these games.
via b3ta

Booze Hound Catch the olives, avoid the butts.

From the WTF files
"You can do eet," he told the tortoise-colored feline.  "Eet's all in your mieend!" Introducing Dominique, the Catman. Hmm.. this gives me a few ideas. The missus always did want to set up an agility course in the back yard...

Ex-Wipes Get a picture of your ex printed on toilet paper. I'm getting some with Dubya on it!

Speaking of ex's. I mentioned the other day that I got a call from an ex that I had not spoken to in 15 years. Turns out she's working her 9th step (AA) and called to make amends. Now, she's been through hell and back, I support her in this 100% but no one has ever made amends with me before in that 12 step kinda way. I had to stop myself from laughing because that episode of Seinfeld popped into my head. The one where George Costanza is screaming "Where are my amends? I want my amends!" Does that make me a bad person or just twisted?

Pizza Party! Pizza Party! via

Pizza Party! Pizza Party!

via gretchen

After reading LA's post on

After reading LA's post on parents and cell phones I thought I might share this little ditty.

My parents are in Florida right now visiting their only grandchild. So I got a call from my folks house sitter this morning explaining that the furnace has quit (aside: it was 6:00am here, apparently time zones have no meaning in cases of life or death or furnace). She can't stay there and she's worried about pipes freezing etc. and she can't get a hold of my parents because my brothers number they left her with is his fax number, except I know that my brother doesn't have a fax number.

So first I call my brothers house - yes, he's left the fax machine hooked up to the main line. Next I call his cell and get some guy named Doug who has no idea who my brother is. Then I call the hotel but my parents are not registered there (they always, I mean ALWAYS stay there - why would they stay somewhere else?) Then I call my sister in DC. She's not home and her cell is the wrong number too. So I email her at work.

Then I call my folks cell phone but knew there was no point because they always keep it in the car. Turned off. And the car is in a garage in Michigan. Then I email my step dad. Because that's what he does on vacation. Checks his email several times a day.

20 minutes later I get a phone call from my mom.

Mom: Thanks honey. We got your email, we'll take care of it. But why didn't you call our cell phone?
Me: I did Mom. But isn't it in the car? In your garage? In Michigan?
Mom: Oh no, we brought it, but I guess it's not turned on. Joe? Is the cell phone turned on? Didn't we email you our itinerary?
Me: Nope.
Mom: Oh sorry I guess we forgot. Joe? We forgot to send her the itinerary!
Me: It's okay, I'm glad Joe brought his laptop.
Mom: Well, here's the number of the hotel in case you need it.
Me: Mom, you're leaving tomorrow.
Mom: I know, but just in case... Something could happen. Joe? Do you want to talk to MJ?
Joe: typing in the background No need - I'm replying to her email right now.

Which read:
Thanks for the notice. Sorry you had problems reaching us. You might want to call on our cell phone. Your Mother is chatting with you as I write this. EOM/jlb

What if this had been an actual emergency? Why is it we can't get a hold of each other except via email? Why do we change cell numbers and forget to tell each other? Why did my parents not send me the detailed 375MB .pdf of their itinerary like they always do?

Most importantly, why are my parents staying in a goddamn different hotel?!? Still not sure, but it turns out this hotel has free happy hour well cocktails. And as my mother pointed out... she could get used to Gordon's. Which confirms that yes, I am my mothers daughter.

On a completely unrelated note, comments are down - again. I'm migrating over to movable type but after slogging through the 13 pages of instructions, I'm a tad overwhelmed. Please stand by.

Friday Night Report: Took the

Friday Night Report:
Took the afternoon off to go see my NYC boys who are in town escaping the hell that is the east coast right now. Hung out by the pool, had some beers and some laughs. Laughs mostly about all you poor suckers in the snow. Yes, we laughed, oh how we laughed. Is that cruel? I'm sorry. Really, I am. Bwaaahhaaa!

Went to Blame it on Midnight to see my friend Shann Carr's screening of the first cut of her docu-comedy Out For Laughs. Great film making - wrong venue, wrong night. Nobody there was particularly interested in halting their romantic dinner conversations to watch the bank of TVs for 25 mins. The sound system was FUBAR so you couldn't really hear it anyways. Poor Shann. She's working so hard on this and I hope that the chilly reception doesn't damped her enthusiasm for the project.

An old friend from SF was in town and met us at the bar. She has a new girlfriend. They are still in that "I must have at least 40% of my body touching your body at all times" phase. CLINK CLANK What you just heard was the sound of my eyeballs rattling around to the back of my skull. Why bother going out when all you want to do is stay in and fuck like rabbits? Nice effort though. Didn't see them the rest of the weekend. No surprise there. At least somebody I know got some on Valentines Day.

Came home to find a voice mail from an ex-lover I haven't spoken to in 15 years. Oy.

Saturday Night Report:
Afternoon pool party/BBQ at the Racquet Club. Back home by 5:00. I was tired and didn't feel like going out. So we stayed in and I watched Kissing Jessica Stein on DVD. Whew - slow down there. Life's getting a little too glamorous even for me.

Sunday Report:
Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Laid around the pool all day doing crosswords. Oh yeah, I did mow the lawn. Again, I gotta slow down a bit. I'm getting too old to live this wild life.

Went to the new World Gym this morning. Not to work out mind you - I don't want to jump into this whole exercise thing too quickly or anything. I just went confirm my membership and take a tour of the place. I'm sore just looking at it. But hey, swim suit season is upon me and I have to do something about my winter build up. I felt like a friggin' walrus yesterday. Goo goo g'joob!

A couple of completely unrelated

A couple of completely unrelated things

Survivor Battle of the Sexes:
Jeeezus women. What the hell is wrong with you?! While I did in fact leap off the couch and high five the Missus when you won (by the soon to be hairs on your chinny chin chins) I still can't believe that you have NO skills what so ever. See, now if I was going to be headed into the heart of the Amazon on national fucking television, I think I would have read a friggin book or two on oh, say, how to build a shelter, how to start a fire... Oh wait, I'm a dyke. Nevermind. And that icky scary spider you bravely chopped with a machete and tossed into the fire? You'll be eating those suckers in a week. That's good protein.

The guys? Well, I expected nothing less than the chest thumping testosterone fest they displayed. Let's hope they learn nothing from this. I'd like to see the women kick their asses. Those babes better get their shit together - but quick!

Valentine's Day:
This day is always weird for me. I have horrible flashbacks to elementary school. You know, when you taped a big heart envelope on the front of your desk and the popular kids went around and validated or shattered your self worth with a little piece of paper. I hated that. I hated the waiting and the feelings of inadequacy as I saw other kids with stacks of them and I only got 8 (and one was from the teacher).

But I'm all grown up, things are different now - or are they? Every year, the pressure is on. Will she be wowed? Can I still impress her? While I would like to think that I am a hopeless romantic, I seldom get my shit together in time to sweep the Missus off her feet (again). After 12 years, it's hard to be creative. Everything seems over done and over marketed. Personally, I prefer the 15th to the 14th - Everything is 50% - 75% off and you can probably get a dozen roses for around $15 (saving money is always a turn on for her). Bonus: it's even more of a surprise.

Tonight, we're going out. No matter what - we always have a great time together. Cards and flowers are just things. True love is intangible. As long as after all these years we can still laugh and we're still crazy about each other. That's what's important. But some flowers couldn't hurt...

Babe, you still make my heart go

Americas Favorite Tape I've learned

Americas Favorite Tape
I've learned via Seabrook that there's been quite a run on duct tape since we were told it might save our lives. Now when all this hoo-ha is over, don't forget to visit the Duct Tape Guys to find create uses for your stockpiles, oh like taping your boss to the ceiling.

And because I know you all have been wondering, I bought yellow tape ... because I'm a spring.

Remember Pass the Pigs? Well,

Remember Pass the Pigs? Well, I still suck at it.

This thing totally freaks me out. I can't explain it. Flash Mindreader It worked every time. There must be a trick! A trick I tell ya!

What is it? Animal Vegetable or Mineral quiz. I scored 11 out of 16.

Feeling a little down? This will make you feel so much better about yourself.

Gorgeous A collection of british advertising clips. Some pretty funny stuff.

I've never done one of

I've never done one of these but what the hell - I've got Blog Block - so sue me. Who knows, there might be some good mp3s in it for you. Ok, I'm stale people. Stale. Go ahead, tell me. This whole thing has gone down the shitter. I haven't had a witty thing to say in weeks... with that said, I present to you...

51 things you never wanted to know about me
courtesy of galapogos v2.0

1. Your name spelled backwards? JM (really...)
2. Where were your parents born? Both in Michigan
3. Have you ever moved? I've packed my shit 12 times now.
4. What's your favorite restaurant? My favorite ever? Well, probably the original El Az(teco), in East Lansing.
5. Single, double, king or queen? Queen. And I share a bed with one too.
6. Your favourite sport to play? Pub Crawl 16 oz. curls.
7. How many kids do you want? 0 zip nada none.
8. Favourite club/bar? Cafe San Marcos.
9. Type of music you dislike most? Gansta Rap
10. Colour of your schoolbag? Schoolbag? What the hell? Uh, I have a nice Coach bag. Brown.
11. What's your fav type of music? Depends on the mood. Rock, Classic Rock, Jazz, Standards, Classical, Swing, Retro Latin (think Sergio Mendes and Brasil '66) New country, Pop, Alt - you name it. My current theme song.
12. Do you have cable? Satellite
13. Favourite 80's song? Right here Turn it up!
14. Ever prank call anybody? When my best friend moved out of state, she and I used to call each other "person to person collect" and use names like "Yes, this is a person to person collect call from Sonny to Cher... Fred to Wilma..." you get the idea. Then we would decline the charges. We could get stoned and do this for hours laughing our asses off between Michigan and Denver .
15. Ever get a parking ticket? Yes. Many. And they always went right into my glove box. That's how I met a former girlfriend... Standing in line at City Hall trying to weasel my way out of $1200 in parking tickets.
16. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? Uh, no.
17. Furthest place you ever traveled? Scotland.
18. Ever bowl over 300? No, I'm lucky if I actually finish 10 frames without my sciatica acting up.
19. What's your favourite comic strip? Mutts, Get Fuzzy and Rhymes with Orange.
20. Do you really know all the words to our national anthem? Yes. Don't you?
21. Bath or shower? Shower.
22. Best movie you've seen in the last month? In the last month? Hmm. Would have to be Ice Age.
23. Favourite pizza topping? Pepperoni.
24. Chips or popcorn? Chips
25. Beer or ale? Ale. Mmmm. Ale. A nice Boont Amber with a great head at Jack's Taps. Yes, that's what I need.
26. Ever smoke peanut shells? What the hell? I've smoked some crazy shit but no, never peanuts.
27. Do you eat the skin on chicken? Oh yeah baby.
28. What kind of Orange Juice do you buy? I don't like orange juice unless there are mimosas involved.
29. Favourite kind of cookie? Archway raspberry filled. Seriously.
30. Favourite chocolate bar? I don't care for chocolate.
31. Your favourite vegetable? Peanut Butter.
32. Your favourite fruit? Bananas
33. Have you ever won a trophy? Yes, I won the Marge Standish Drama Award in high school.
34. Are you a good cook? When I cook, I'm not too sh-sh-shabby.
35. Do you know how to pump your own gas? Who made this shit up? Yes, of course I do.
36. Ever order an article from an infomercial? No, but I've been tempted.
37. Is Oprah annoying or great? Both. At the same time. That's what makes her annoying and great at the same time.
38. Do you enjoy your present job? Job? What is this "job" you speak of?
39. Ever flex in front of a mirror? Hell yes.
40. Ever thrown up in public? If I don't remember, it never happened.
41. Would you prefer being a millionaire or finding true love? True love, reluctantly.
42. Do you believe in love at first sight? Absolutely.
43. Ever call a 1-900- number? Not on purpose.
45. Ever been stood up on a date? Bitch.
46. What is a major turnoff of the opposite sex? The whole opposite sex thing. Doesn't really do much for me.
47. Have you ever been cheated on? Yes. And I've cheated.
49. What do you think about Martha Stewart? Brilliantly annoying. See question 37.
50. What is your favourite SNL character? Samari Delicatessen. Without a doubt.
51. What was the name of your first pet(s)? Smokey

Seems strange to just end there, but okay.

I'm generally the prepared type.

I'm generally the prepared type. Seeing as we live in Shake Central, we have a well supplied earthquake kit (which the missus makes sure is current). And back when the whole Y2K thing was happening, despite everyone laughing at me - yes directly at me - I stockpiled. You never know right? Can't hurt to have some extra water, some food, a radio, some cash, a flashlight or two, 3 cartons of cigarettes, a half gallon of Jack Daniels, two cases of champagne, and a honda generator.

wKen points to the precautions our arrogant fearless leaders have suggested for the average American in case of a chemical or biological attack. I am reminded of an article last summer in the Washington Post Weekly that discussed at great length the lack of information our government is supplying its citizens and how ill prepared we truly are in case of a bio or chemical attack.(.pdf here)

So, when I read that NYT article, I shook my head again. Yeah right, like a little plastic and some duct tape are gonna save my ass from chemical fallout. But guess what? While picking up a few things at the hardware store, I found myself standing in the paint dept. looking for caulk when I saw it. 2 for 1 plastic sheeting... and duct tape, right next to it. Coincidence? I think not! So um, yeah, it's under the sink, you know... uh, just in case.

Chari asks what are your plans in case of war on American soil? Well, I plan on getting drunk and laughing my ass off trying to seal the house with plastic and duck tape. In fact, I might try a dry run this weekend just for fun! Come on over - bring the family, we'll make a party out of it!

The stars come out at

The stars come out at night
I realize I might have been a little hard on Barry yesterday. Palm Springs was and still is a Hollywood playground. Even though some careers are better left forgotten, we as a town, are indebted to many of the Hollywood Glitterati for making Palm Springs what is it today. You never know when you might find yourself seated two tables away from some (kinda) well known folk. In addition to Barry Manilow, we have many other famous/infamous residents regularly seen about town:

Trini Lopez
Carol Channing
Lily Tomlin
Suzanne Somers
Ruta Lee
Kaye Ballard
Debbie Reynolds
Keely Smith
Rudy Galindo
Jeanne Martin
James "Book em Danno" MacArthur
Gerald and Betty Ford
Bob and Dolores Hope

And let's not forget our famous resident stars of the past (okay some fall into my "Dead or Alive?" category) who put PS on the map back in the glory days:

Tony Curtis
Janet Leigh
Jack Benny
Eddie Fisher
Liberace
Greta Garbo
Elizabeth Taylor
Elvis Presley
Louis Prima
Clark Gable
Carmen Miranda
Ginger Rogers
Rita Hayworth
John Barrymore
Bing Crosby
Harpo Marx
Sammy Davis Jr.
Dean Martin
Lucille Ball
Steve McQueen
Lana Turner
Loretta Young
Jane Wyman
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Nat King Cole
Ali Mac Graw
Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker (definitely alive - sort of)
Hedy Lamarr
George Montgomery
Lena Horne

And of course we have streets are named after:
Frank Sinatra
Dinah Shore
Buddy Rogers
Gene Autry
Fred Waring
Mary Pickford

We also have the Celebrity Pro/Am golf tourneys and sporting events that bring in the best of the best:
The Bob Hope Chrysler Classic
The Frank Sinatra Celebrity Golf Tourn.
The Dinah Shore Nabisco Open
The Skins Game
The Masters tennis series

Some regular visitors seen about town:
J Lo
George Clooney
Arnold
Madonna
Bill Gates
Tom Cruise

Last but not certainly not least, our former Mayor, ever present in life and in death:
Sonny Bono
(aside: I found this photo of sonny grabbing marys ass pretty damn funny)

So to every visiting star, former resident, current resident, has-been, the Rat Pack and Barry: I say thank you. And to all of you hoping to catch a glimpse of fame when you come to our fair playground ... Come on down - you just never know who you might run into!

Friday Night Report After work

Friday Night Report
After work cocktails at the Racquet Club. It was a short evening as one of the participants quickly turned into a drunk puddle before our very eyes in what is sure to be record time and had to be taken home. Fridays can do that to a person.

Saturday Report
Friends of ours have sold their home and are leaving the desert for good next week. We arrived at 10:00 am for the garage sale and picked up a few things we needed and a few that we didn't, but I thought we did. We went back to their pad in the afternoon for a swim and a few drinks, but I was back here in time to watch the Spartans kick some more Indiana butt.

Sunday Report
It was the kittens first foray into the great outdoors. We enjoyed a beautiful sunny morning with coffee and the Sunday paper pool side and watched the little buggers explore their new huge world. For the most part they were fine, but there's always that freak out moment when they disappear through the fence for the first time and you are sure you will never see them again. They both came back no worse for the wear. But as I sit here this morning, they are clawing at the door to go out. They know what's out there now and they WANT it. Unfortunately for them, I'm in no mood to go out and chaperone.

There's nothing that will screw up your week more than a poor nights rest on Sunday night. Blame it on the mexican food or the fact that Barry fucking Manilow was dining two tables over. That's enough to ruin a meal for some people - especially me. The entire restaurant was abuzz with b-list star fucking and hushed cell phone calls "You'll never believe who's here!!" Guess what... no one cares about Barry fucking Manilow anymore (except for my step-mother in-law who is madly in love with the man and will completely freak when she hears about it). He's a local, and while the Mandy Lovers were readying their pens and paper out front (thankfully, no one approached his table) he slipped out the back door. So sorry you missed your chance to meet a real live nobody!

Tell me why I don't like Mondays
So any way, last night I was plagued by nightmares and tossing and turning. Dreams of recent personal events twisted and turned into my being a cruel and heartless person - causing needless emotional pain in others. Waking every half hour or so to stare into the darkness and wonder what time it was and to mutter obscenities. I cursed the rice and beans, cursed the man who writes the songs. So I'm a little cranky this morning. It's monday. I have a lot of work to do. I have to figure out a valentines day something. It's cold and cloudy and it's befitting my mood. Stay out of my way.

I'm here to help About

I'm here to help
About a week ago I linked out to a certain website of a certain Super Bowl ad. My stats spiked once I was crawled (highly technical mumbo jumbo meaning that 80% of my new visitors are not here as a result of my wit and charm - as for the other 20%, who knows how or why you ended up here - but hey, why not stick around a while?) So, as a public service, I am posting said link over on the left there. Because I feel your pain (train). I know what torture awaits when you go to a page via a search engine and have to dig to find what you are looking for. So there, you're welcome. Enjoy.

Now that our Current Threat

Now that our Current Threat Level has been raised to Orange, this might be a great time to play a few new zen-like games from Orisinal: Roperunner and Panda Run

Just so my dog lovin friends don't think I'm an All Cat All the Time kinda gal - check out Fisheye Puppies. All together now... Awww....

I'm not gonna even talk about that train wreck I watched on ABC (or was it CBS? - No, I think it was ABC) last night except to say someone, please, Make it Stop! You know that song where he sings "Just can't get enough" or something - well, yeah, I've had enough now. Thank you. Just stop.

So... how many cats do

So... how many cats do you have?

We get this question all the time. We have cats. Many cats. The missus and I disagree on how many cats we have - that's how many cats we have. We have become the crazy cat ladies and frankly - I'm okay with that. They are all wonderful animals and since we have the space and the resources to care for them (yes, for the rest of their lives) I say why not! Unlike most crazy cat ladies though, we are fastidious about our house not smelling like cats. (Stock tip: Natures Miracle - we keep them in business!). Through the beauty of indoor/outdoor living here in the desert, the only time you might find all of the cats in the house at the same time is between the hours of 12 midnight and 6 am to keep them out the coyote's reach.

When we moved into this house, we inherited a feral colony of about 20 cats. These are the outdoor cats. They all live a wild existence - we can't get near them but they hang around and we tend to them as best we can. We have successfully trapped, vaccinated and fixed all but 3 of them (one female and 2 males - the fuckers are just too smart for the traps). In the course of trapping these cats, inevitably - there were kittens. Many cute adorable adoptable kittens. Some remained wild, some we found homes for, and a few found a home right here.

If you ever owned at least three cats simultaneously, you know all too well that one is going to become your "special needs" cat. The million dollar cat. The one that is ferried to the vet so often, it should earn frequent flyer miles. Our previous special needs cat went out in a blazing glory of IVs, radiation and credit cards. After 15 years, I would put his medical bills somewhere in the 4 years of college tuition range. And still, no diploma.

Since the passing of our last generation of cats, we've taken in 4 kittens (this is where the missus and I disagree - I say 4, she says 6 sometimes 7) and of course, Jinx has stepped up to the plate to take on the role of high-maintenance nonexistent immune system kitty. It started with ring worm at the age of 5 weeks, and now 5 months later she still has a poodle tail. The hair just won't grow back. She contracted an upper respiratory infection that required 3 rounds of eye drops and Clavamox twice daily and she's still drippy. She also has small unexplainable seizures every now and then. Add in the basic kitty vaccinations, spaying, special diet and we're already in the $1,000 range after 5 months. If you do the math, she's projected to cost us roughly $40K by the time she's 16. Most financial analysts would advise against such an investment. Maybe put that in a Roth or ladder some CDs instead.

So this morning at 6:00am, I am making my rounds, brewing coffee, feeding the cats, letting some in, letting some out, getting the paper etc. when I notice that Jinx is not her usual wheezy sneezy chipper poodle girl self. I pick her up to discover that she's not really moving, foaming at the mouth and is covered in saliva. I'm sure she's eaten a piece of the missus' Nicorette (poisonous to cats) or she really is epileptic and is about to go into full on convulsions.

I rush into the bedroom with her in my arms yelling for the missus to get her ass out of bed and help me! Sorry babe - I know it's not the best way to wake up in the morning. Especially after a few Manhattans the night before.

We pry open her mouth to discover that the dumb bell has eaten a friggin' burr off of one of the other cats. She's still indoor only so it didn't come from her. She also has a propensity for biting the other cats on the ass - I'm fairly certain that is the origin of the burr - another cats ass. It was lodged between her lip and gum. Poor thing. After removing it, she's now sleeping peacefully burr free in the other room and thankfully, we've narrowly averted yet another trip to the vet. Sweet Jinx. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but how can you look at this and not love her? Wait a minute... are those dollar signs in her eyes?

Ta Dah! Web Fridge Project

Ta Dah! Web Fridge Project is the Click of the Day.

I had no idea that

I had no idea that our little Bridge of Thighs a.k.a. The Naked Bridge, was getting such national attention. Personally, it's the ugliest damn thing I've ever seen but at least it will shield me from seeing the (probably) butt ugly (pun intended!) who will use it.
link via the missus

Why I'll never have children

Why I'll never have children Reason #487 I imagine it might be something like this.
via B3ta

More viral marketing games: M&M's Flip the Mix

I've Got a Love-A-Ly Bunch of Coconuts. warning: boobs

UglyDress.com The name pretty much says it all.

Followup: Felch, Michigan

Take us to Warp 1

Take us to Warp 1 Mr. Sulu

Not to make light of a national tragedy, but you just can't make this stuff up!

via The People's Republic of Seabrook

It's alive...ALIVE! Good lord, what

It's alive...ALIVE!

Good lord, what kind of monster have we created? The Web Fridge Project is on friggin' USA TODAY.

Jesus! So the other night

Jesus!

So the other night I am lounging on my couch, kicking a beer and channel surfing when I stumble upon a live concert on The Church Channel.

Now I've got nothing against "Christian Rock" really. Most folks think - hey at least those kids aren't out drinkin', smokin and screwing around (I would beg to differ, I could tell a few stories about my youth group that would make my mothers hair fall out).

So I decided that in the interest of ... boredom... I'd watch this group of gangly 'white boys can't dance' misfits belt out a song (the main chorus was of course "Jesus!") when something struck me as odd about the guitar players t-shirt. I've been obsessing on this ever since. As a visual artist, I usually don't have to ask for help decoding t-shirts but this one has me stumped. I know what it looks like but then the whole christian rock context threw me off...

Someone tell me what the hell this means?!

STS-107 Mission Report To confine

STS-107 Mission Report

To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.
Stephen Hawking

Suddenly, from behind the rim of the moon, in long, slow-motion moments of immense majesty, there emerges a sparkling blue and white jewel, a light, delicate sky-blue sphere laced with slowly swirling veils of white, rising gradually like a small pearl in a thick sea of black mystery. It takes more than a moment to fully realize this is Earth . . . home.
Edgar Mitchell

To see the earth as it truly is, small and blue and beautiful in that eternal silence where it floats, is to see ourselves as riders on the earth together, brothers on that bright loveliness in the eternal cold -- brothers who know now they are truly brothers.
Archibald MacLeish

The world looks marvelous from up here, so peaceful, so wonderful and so fragile. Everybody, all of us down there, not only in Israel, have to keep it clean and good.
Israeli Air Force Col. Ilan Ramon, 29 January 2003.