Friday Fishwrap

Saturday Night Report

Went to a great cocktail party. It was a refreshing eclectic mix of people. Many of whom I had not met before. And of course there were a ton of people I knew but had not seen in a while. I had a really good time despite my previous nights over indulgence.

There was also a woman there I've only come to know recently. She's witty, engaging and uniquely beautiful. Not Hollywood beautiful, but stunning nonetheless. Maybe it was the heavily poured drinks or something in the warm evening air, but I sensed a come-on vibe from her that was totally new to me. She seemed overly enthusiastic to greet me with a hug. And her kiss on my cheek lingered just a second longer that it should have. And at least three times I got "the look" from across the patio. Mmm Hmm. You know what I am talking about.

While I am usually never one to turn down a flirtatious situation with a beautiful woman, I had to laugh, because here's the thing... I'm short. Not oompa loompa short (shaddup) but definitely shorter than most at 5'3". This woman is easily a foot taller than me, at over 6'. Her giving me a hug and kiss was a kin to an eager Aunt swooping in on a 2 year old. I was waiting for her to pinch my cheeks and tell me how I'd grown since she last saw me.

I didn't return the flirtations, not just because she's oh-so-straight and well, been there, but even if I wanted to, how would I go about it? It's hard to be smooth with the zippo when you have to give a little hop up to light her smoke. And how does one gaze intently when you have to crane your neck skyward? How does one make a move when the moment might arrive for a kiss? Impossible. Not to mention sex... How the hell would THAT work? I have this vision of a miniature schnauzer trying to get up on a greyhound. I'm not sure the end result would be worth the physical effort required.

Entertaining thoughts nonetheless. And next time I know we are going to be at the same party, who knows, maybe I'll bring a step ladder.

Pride Sunday

I was a Sexy Beast... Only without the boulder and all that...

"Oh, yeah. Bloody hell. I'm sweating in here. Roasting. Boiling. Baking. Sweltering. It's like a sauna. Furnace. You can fry an egg on my stomach. Ohh, who wouldn't lap this up? It's ridiculous. Tremendous. Fantastic. Fan-dabby-dozy-tastic..."

"How much for the lamp?"

"Fuck it. Take it. What do I care?"

So last night the missus and I decided to stay in because we were scheduled to get up at the crack of dawn this morning for our yard sale. In my infinite wisdom, I chose not to go to bed early with her, but instead do the online equivalent of a "drink and dial." I have no idea what (vodka) could have possessed me to stay up past 1:00am drinking and smoking and IMing. I apologize right here and now to those of you upon whom I inflicted my sordid behavior. It's been a while since I've done that, and now I remember why... but I don't remember much. Ouch.

So then...

A little tip from me to you friend, there is nothing more evil in the world than to suffer a eye splitting head in a vise hangover and have to go sit out in the 110º heat, in your concrete driveway, taking dirty crumpled $1 bills from complete strangers pawing through boxes of what should have been garbage. Thank god we had some assistance.

I don't think we could have made it without our Director of Marketing, Michael:

And our brilliant Sales Manager, Rich:

Yes, that is my former office set-up sitting in the driveway. I would have posted this from out there, but somebody bought the keyboard and the chair. Or stole it, I'm not sure. I wasn't really paying attention.

We made it a whole 3.5 hours before we put up the "Everything is FREE" sign, closed up shop and jumped in the pool.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pull this spike out of my eye. It's killing me.

TGImp3F

Hey it's Friday! And it's a two-fer...

There are a lot of folks up in Fran Sancisco getting ready to have one hell of a rippin' weekend!

I may be crying in my beer but I'm sure I'll find a way to fill the gaping hole in my chest ease the pain.

I've been a bad bad girl

Not to put too fine a point on it, but surfing around last night and today, I see a growing trend of referring primarily to gay men where the Sodomy Law reversal is concerned.

I would like to point out that the term "Sodomy" also applies to lesbians and straights who practice (practice makes perfect!) oral or anal sex. This means that I am no longer a felon in 13 states. But I'd like to thank all the women who aided and abetted me along the way ;)

Tick Tock Tick....

I'm not usually one to make jokes about the death of a person (I use the term loosely here), but I couldn't help but wonder if perhaps the Supreme Courts decision didn't play just a eensy teensy role in putting the old bugger over the edge. "Homa-sexuals and Anal Sex! Ack!" ::thud::

I swear, I can't win.

All week I've been so excited for today. We had cable broadband installed this morning and I love it. It ROCKS. Except for one little thing and I'm trying not to go ballistic.

Despite going over it twice, and very slowly the second time, with the service rep when I put in the order, I just discovered that I only get one (1) IP address. Fuckity fuck fuck. See, I have two computers and an airport connected to the LAN via a little Linksys hub. My DSL modem served up as many dynamic IPs as I wanted. But not so with the cable modem.

The solution? According to Time Warner I have to BUY additional IPs from them to the tune of $9.95 a month. Boo-el shit!

Before I go out and buy this router to replace my current hub, is there anyone out there that will confirm that this will solve my problem? Or recommend an alternate solution? Thanks in advance.

It's safe to come out now.

Whew... I'm feeling much better today, which is good for those around me. I have no idea what caused me to turn into Large Marge yesterday. Must have been a blood sugar thing. I blame the missus for that. She baked a whole heaping batch of chocolate chip cookies on Tuesday and I think I must have eaten a dozen of them. Cookies. Mmm.

In other news:
Supreme Court Strikes Down Sodomy Law About fucking time. Pun intended.

Links here! Getcher red hot links here!
GutterBall. Nice little bowling timewaster. And yes, you can turn that annoying guy off under options.

Yee-ouch is right. Inline skates only used once - no need to explain any further buddy.

For the geeks: Down and dirty WhoIS

Even a tragic car accident looks kinda cute with Googly Eyes!

Pointless, rude, crude, obscene and well, pretty funny in that twisted kinda way. Retarded Animal Babies!
via presurfer

Okay, so some might say that my alien project is a little odd, but not quite as odd as this site about how one person dealt with their Planter Wart.

Back Off

To say that I got up on the wrong side of the bed would be a severe understatement.

Not only did I get into it big time with the missus first thing this morning, before either of us had had any coffee (never pretty). But then I got a call from my credit card company informing me that my payment fucking bounced. Which is total bullshit! Now I have to go rip some B of A idiots head off and shove it up their ass.

I hate online banking. I hate this fucking fly that won't leave me alone right now AND I hate just about every other thing in the world at the moment. Obviously, the day has not improved... I'm staying locked in my office. It's best for everyone.

Wednesdays - We need to eliminate them from the calendar. Somebody get on that.

Does this mean I am ashamed?

No, just bummed. There will be no SF Pride for me this year. I know, I know, but it's tradition!?!

This year is different for some reason. My best friends are out of town for the weekend and I haven't heard boo one from anybody else up there in the past year, except my buddy oddgirl. Part of it's me, part of it's them. It's hard to maintain friendships when you're 500 miles apart. Out of sight, out of mind I guess.

What am I doing instead? Having a fucking yard sale on Pink Saturday. I'll be Dyke Marching my crap that nobody wants to the curb.

When we sold our house last fall, I knew things were going to change. I knew that we had finally cut the last of our San Francisco ties. I've made great connections down here and I am lucky to have found the friends I have, but sometimes I really miss my buds and I wish it could be like it used to be. But it can't and it won't. Bah - I don't want to think about it. It fucking sucks.

Time to start a few new traditions down here and let go the memories. And no, Yard Sale Pink Saturday is not going to be one of them.

Tuesdays Timewasters

A must for any American traveling overseas: American Apology Shirt. Or just tell everyone you're Canadian.
via daypop

Please tell me this is not happening... The Mullets.

Barbie Makeovers.
via scrubbles

Quiz Time!
Fake or Foto? Can you tell which is CG and which is an actual photograph?

Name that Paint. Match the paint name to the color.

Moob or Boob? Can you tell which are Man boobs and which are the real thing? I scored a frightening 9 out of 12.
via b3ta

Fun and Games
Catch the Fly with chopsticks no less. Tough and pointless. My kinda game.

The Seagull Strikes Back It's Poop-tastic!

Oh My God.

If you have the chance - run - don't walk to catch The Matrix Reloaded on IMAX.

I met up with some buddies on Saturday night for the 6:30 showing and it was a totally fantastic immersive visual experience. I found myself seriously drooling over a 4 story, wraparound Carrie Anne Moss. Whooo Doggie. The thing about IMAX is that you can see EVERYTHING. From Keanus bad lip liner, well into the depths of Laurence Fishburnes pocked crater face. But then you also get 10 foot nipples.

There were only a couple of times, like during that Ducati freeway scene, that I got so dizzy and disoriented that I had to look away from the screen to keep myself from hurling red vines onto the nice couple in front of us. As for the story line... weak. And the ending? What the fuck? On the plus side ... More action, less ooze. That's all I'm gonna say.

After exiting the theater slack jawed and our brains misfiring from sensory overload, my friends brilliantly decided we should all go grab a few drinks. There really should be a law against getting behind the wheel after an IMAX experience. It's not safe. Oooh, shiny sparkly lights!

In other news:
I played a fairly decent round of golf on Sunday. Unfortunately, Tiger didn't show up, so I'm still driving my trusty old Jeep. Damn him. And damn you Beverly!

On Aliens and Blackouts

More updates on the Alien in My Neighbors Yard. Anyone know what happens if a live power line falls into a pool? Kinda like the 4th of July maybe? Perhaps it will knock out the neighborhood? Hey, I'll let you know when/if it happens.

TGImp3F

Hey, It's Friday! Bang bang on the door baby. Bang Bang! Your WHAT? Tin Roof - Rusted!

Oh yeah - and here are some links fer all you slackers...

You Must Choose I chose pancakes.
via b3ta

Feel the love: Hippo Thong Song

ShapeEvent. Some of these are quite beautiful, and hypnotic.

Photo Collages a la David Hockney. A fun idea.

Fun for the whole family! Great project for kids! Furby Stress Test!

Willy WonkAir Hockey

In Other News:

The missus had a vision last night:

The Scene:
September, 2028
MJ, Michael and Rich
Cimmarron Long Course, 17th Tee

Rich remarked, "Windy, isn't it?"

No," Michael replied, "it's Thursday."

And MJ chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

This explains a lot

Your Brain Usage Profile

Auditory : 50%
Visual : 50%
Left : 44%
Right : 55%

gacked from Solonor

Well, this description is more accurate than that Myers-Briggs thang...

MJ, you are moderately right-hemisphere dominant and have even preferences between auditory and visual processing, traits that might make people perceive you as "slightly off balance."

To the extent that your career path allows for creativity and abstraction as well as a bit of disorganization, you should find yourself equipped to handle any learning that is required. Your own personal adjustment to your style should come naturally although you are likely to feel frus- trated by your own limited discipline and often wonder "Why?"

Take the test here.

::yawn::

Ya know how I said in comments a few entries ago that I wasn't focused enough to be a stalker? Well, I'm not focused enough to burn 10 goddamn CDs either! Bored! Bored! Bored! God, I didn't know it would take this long (that sound you just heard was the sound of my eyeballs clanking around the back of my head...)

Hopefully no one will accidentally get a copy of my "Lets Get it On" playlist.

Time to make the doughnuts labels.

Genus Packratus

I'm still here - just been busy. We had a 3 yard dumpster dropped off yesterday morning. We're a little late to call it "spring" cleaning, but cleaning house we are nonetheless. Actually, the garage to be specific.

We have a two car garage. But you can't get a car in there. In fact you can barely move at all in there. Crap. It's all crap. And it seems that we do this once a year. Where does it come from? Granted we moved from a house in SF that was almost twice as big as this place and there are boxes in the garage that haven't been cracked open since they came off the moving truck. But it seems that every year, we can easily fill a 3 yard dumpster and still have enough to toss out in the driveway on a Saturday morning for some extra change.

I am a pack-rat. There, I said it. Not to the point where 20/20 is gonna call and do a story on me, but I can't bear to throw out (or donate) perfectly good stuff. I might NEED it someday. Over at Jeremy's blog I just listed the eight (yes, 8) macs I have sitting in boxes out there. That's wrong. I shouldn't have 8 computers in my garage. But I never got around to wiping the hard drives. I wanted to donate them, but now I don't even know if I could get them to boot up. Besides who would want them? But I can't just throw them out either. You see my dilemma.. or maybe not.

Here's what we've shed so far:
3 large mirrors
1 refrigerator
many empty boxes and packing material
old pool ladder
lots of (s)crap lumber (but I saved a little for my workbench I am going to build)

In the tag sale pile went:
portable futon
TV
VCR
CD player (not working)
set of old patio furniture
pair of cowboy boots
bag of unknown clothing
3 framed prints
skateboard
leaf blower
comforter
2 speakers
many games
one ridiculous alien sized ashtray
box of misc. brass plumbing hardware
a garbage disposal (new in box)
a white board
2 portfolio cases
1 wheelbarrow (I'm keeping the other one)

Not too bad huh? And we're not done yet. I think we might actually be able to get one of my cars in there when we're finished. And you know who I have to thank for all this? Mopsa, that's who. After seeing her garage I came home with a serious case of envy. I want a space like hers. It's big. It's tidy. You can park a car in there. You can have a beer out there and not wonder what that was that just scurried in the corner. That's the good life right there... Thanks buddy!

Loud Music is Better

Bumper Stickers Should Be Issued.

I'm pissed off at the Apple Music Store. I can't touch a single thing I've purchased through them. Not only are the songs copy protected to only play on three Macs, but I can't even import them into any sound editing software to modify for MY OWN USE! Total bullshit. I bought it, I should be able to do what I want with it - for my own use.

As an act of rebellion - I'm putting together a little Fishwrap CD of my favorite classic rock tunage for my friends. Nothing obscure - just pure 70's screaming guitars Rock and Roll. The first 10 regular readers to request a copy via email, get a CD when I finish it. Pull out your air guitars and get ready to put it up to eleven. If you don't get that reference, than this CD is not for you.

Incoming!

Rotation. An addictive little logic puzzle.

Lob a Job. I don't know why this amused me as much as it did. Perhaps because it's Monday and I was dreaming that they were actually clients. Uh - but not YOU dear client who reads this! You're my favorite and I would never think of catapulting you over a building just for fun! Really.

Yup! It's true!

Gryffindor! Fun-loving and ballsy down to the last
detail, you follow rules when it's convenient
for you and never turn down an opportunity to
par-tay. You're loud, mischievous, and a little
naive at times, but never let your awesome
self-confidence waver. Like Slytherin, you too
appreciate the finer things in life...just in a
very...different way.


A More Unique Hogwarts Sorting Quiz
brought to you by Quizilla

via dargie

Hide and Seek

Here's a little game we played this morning. It's called Where Are They?

After about 15 minutes I won. Boo-yah! Gotcha!

This afternoon we're going to play another game. It's called "Clean your fucking office MJ! It's a mess!"

Tonight is the annual PS Mod Com BBQ. The theme is "Fiesta!" What the hell does one wear to a "Fiesta!" anyway? I think I'll go casualistically... a la Corona, with lime.

TGImp3F

Hey! It's Friday! Be firm, be fair, be sure, beware, on your guard, take care while there's such temp-ta-tion!

In memorium of my favorite bar, the Bamboo Lounge, where many a swinging night was spent. So long, and thanks for the memories!

Around 9:00AM this morning

The Missus: Do you miss Little Bear?
Me: Of course I miss him, but I'm sure he's fine.
The Missus: Well, come take a look.
Me: Wha?

Out the kitchen door was a little black kitty, just sitting on the retaining wall. My heart sank. Fuck! Here we go again.

What... do I have St. Francis tattooed on my forehead or something? Is there some kind of universal "save me!" kitty bat signal? For the love of god... I can't believe we are going to go through this again. This makes 7 kittens rescued, raised and placed by us in the last 2 months - 11 total in the past year. We've trapped and fixed 24 adults since we moved in. How much can worse can it get? I don't know how the hell we are going to find homes for them. But we will. We always have.

To top it off... I have absolutely no idea who their mother is. Actually, I do have an idea, but it just doesn't make any sense. There is a siamese female who seems to be out there looking for these two right now, but we trapped and spayed her three weeks ago. The SPCA didn't say she was lactating, and they always tell us. So it doesn't make one iota of sense.

There is also the remote possibility that their mother was her sister, the siamese feral that was hit by a car at about the same time, and the one we spayed is acting as a surrogate. If so, it's amazing that these tough little buggers managed to survive. I don't know if there are more than these two, but we'll keep searching.

Once again dear readers - anyone in southern CA (or SF!) who would like to adopt. Please contact me via email - the link is on the right.

Caution: Slow President Ahead

OMG! How funny is this story of G.W. falling off his bike segway? The part that cracks me up the most? That it was in his parents driveway! More photo's here.

I'm guessing he was a too arrogant to watch the 20 minute safety video before getting on it. Honestly - it takes a lot effort and lack of motor skills to actually fall off one of those things... Oh wait... it was george... never mind.

Not that I had any respect for the man before seeing this - but what a dumbshit! File this one under Gerald Ford.
via the go fish

In other news:
A sad day for Palm Springs. It appears that my beloved and famed Racquet Club and Bamboo Lounge, once the playground of the stars in the 40's, 50's and 60's, is gone for good. Apparently a deal brokered to try save the place has fallen through. Yesterday the doors were chained shut. Now it's up to us to make sure they don't raze the place.

Update: Here's the story in today's paper

Advances in Camouflage

Or, how to cover your shit...

So yesterday they arrived. Our new "plants" (gotta do the finger quotes).

What appears to be an unassuming ugly fake plant

is actually - you won't believe this, are you ready!?

A litter box! Brilliant. Bloody brilliant...

Oops

I forgot to include the following:

Star Wars Kid Too funny!
via mopsa

Random Linkage

Best Photoshop contest yet! Unfortunately it's ended but take a gander at how some folks have chosen to Decorate Martha Stewarts New Digs

Why does this not surprise me?
"If you put a lot of men in a pub environment and there is beer or marbles, what are they going to choose? They are going to choose the beer."

What ever happened to Adam Ant? Now you know and I bet you wish you didn't.

Dude, where's my car?

Museum of Russian anti-alcohol posters. Some of these are pretty damn fine pieces of design work.

Looking for that unique one-of-a-kind gift? Look no further than QueenPinDeluxe. I'm a fan of the old school pin-ups myself. My favorite artist being Pearl Frush. She just rocked.

PSA

Don't Litter - Spay and Neuter Your Animals!

We are now a kitten free zone. My cousin found a home the Little Bear. He's been the toughest to place. Not because there is anything wrong with him, but because this town is over run with puppies and kittens this spring and most alternative adoption options have been exhausted. But we simply could not keep him. We are already pushing the legal limits here at Casa del Gato Loco.

Even Animal Samaritans, the local SPCA, is not taking in any more animals. There is absolutely no room at the inn. As they are one of the few no-kill shelters in the valley, it's a sad time for a lot of animals. We all know what happens. I would never have taken him to Animal Control, but I would have had to work some serious mojo over at Animal Samaritans to get them to take him. Thankfully, someone stepped up to the plate for this little guy.

And so begins his new adventure with Bob, his wife, 3 kids, one dog, one cat and now a new kitten.

Take care Little Bear!

Lies!

More (supposed) details of this past weekends events can be found here and here. Don't believe a word of it. If I can't remember - it never happened (denial in its finest form).

In Other News

The Alien in My Neighbors Yard has been updated.

Tuesday Timewasters

Ah, it's good be back in my old town of Linkyville.

Game Day - Mini Clip
Cube Buster A Collapse rip-off. A little harder, faster and the colors are tough.

Bug on a Wire Get the bug across the wire without getting munched by a crow.

Speaking of munching... Next time I tell you all that I've been out "working in the garden" you'll know what I'm talking about...

WTF? That's My Boy!

Gollums MTV acceptance speech. If you haven't seen this yet - it's great!

Worst Singing Ever
"Hi, I am Wing!" writes Wing on her website,"I have been learning singing in New Zealand and I do performances in Rest Homes and Hospitals." Christ, aren't they suffering enough? BTW: Her rendition of The Carpenters' Close to You is a particular treat.
via b3ta

Hey wait a minute... That's MY ass!! MobileAsses.com

What I learned this weekend

There are few things more frightening than the crowd at White Castle at 2AM.

Except maybe eating 4 White Castle sliders at 2AM.

And perhaps the after effects.

Even if you are only joking, never suggest to two sisters that you would like to see them rub oil on each other. They will think you are a sick fuck and never look at you the same way again.

At the playground, swinging on the swings is a lot of fun, but if you were out drinking heavily the night before, it WILL make you want to vomit.

And the slides aren’t always as much fun as they look. But try them anyway, you never know.

Surprisingly enough, Blue Man Group doesn’t suck... that much.

Smoking really is a disgusting habit. I should probably quit.

Always bring an extra pack.

When receiving an unsolicited lap dance from the hostess, it’s polite to wait until she finishes before complimenting her husband on his potato salad.

If you are thinking about having children, rent some for a few hours. Make sure you wear your good shirt when holding the baby. That should cure you.

Some couples are just too cute for words.

Jack is the man.

Having finally seen it in person, Henry Moores “Reclining Mother and Child” is quite possibly my favorite sculpture.

Watching your buddy mow her lawn while you kick back with a beer or two is not a bad way to spend an hour.

Never let a 14 year old girl fly with a cat as carry on. It might shit in its box and stink up the plane, escape, strike terror into the hearts of your fellow passengers, causing manly men to scream, only to be caught 10 rows later requiring it to spend the duration of the flight locked in a bathroom - which I just might be seated next to. Mrrrooooww! Thanks.

TGImp3F

Hey! It's Friday! Keep it shady, I got me a big one staked out...

Folks won't find us now because Mr. Satch and Mr. Cros, we've gone fishin' instead of just a-wishin'...

On Golden Pond

Okay, so it's not a 23 year old med student, but still just as beautiful. I will never tire of this sunset... The loons stopped by last night.

in my best katherine hepburn

"The loons Norman, the loons!"

Slit Skirts

Can't pretend that growing old never hurts...

There are a million things I could blog about right now, but I don't have the energy, nor do I have a clue where to start. I've spent the last 3 days painting the cabin. What the hell was I thinking? That I could fly out and paint a kitchen, and two baths is four days? I'm fucking nuts.. no surprise there. I am beyond exhausted.

If I ever get my head together, I'll tell you about how the little neighbor girl I used to pick on has suddenly (apparently I wasn't paying attention the last, oh, 5 years or so) developed into quite the hot number. Hot-cha-cha. And bonus - She's a flirt! But here's the deal, until yesterday I had no idea she was 23 and headed to med school... That means two things...

1) She's legal. Yeah!
2) I'm old. Shit!

When the hell did that happen?!?