Friday Fishwrap

Room for 2 in the dog house

So I was just getting ready to grab a beer and turn off the 'puter for the evening when the phone rings. It's my father in-law.

Every conversation with my father in-law begins exactly the same way:

Me: Hello?
D: MJ [last name], Don [last name] here. How are you?
Me: Don [last name], I'm grrrrreat. How are you?
D: Faaaan tastic. Never been better!

Always the same script. If it ever varies, I know something is wrong. Tonight's convo started as any other would. Except then he said...

"Well, I'm just calling to wish you and the missus a VERY happy anniversary!"

FUCK! Fuckity fuck FUCK!

Through the doorway, I'm watching the missus in the kitchen getting ready to sit down for a chat with her father and I say to him...

"You know what Don? You're the first person to say that to me today!"

And with that the missus spins around to me and we both cover our mouths in shock and horror. Ooops! Bad lesbians! Bad!

Happy Anniversary Baby! Who loves ya? Smoochahs!

Mile High Monkey Love

Natalie over at Pickle Juice was discussing the hot hot monkey love she was gonna get on when her husband Andy got home. I thought of this, the cute story of two little monkeys (windows media)
warning: not work safe

Have you heard about the new Skyhigh Airlines yet? You have to check out the whole site. Don't miss the letter from the chairman: What is it with you people? Brilliant.
via oddgirl

I totally have to have one! How cool is the Casual Lofa? A fully street legal sofa topping out at 87MPH. Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about.. mmm hmm.
via presurfer

Quickies

Play RSVP - the dinner party game. Match up your guests around the table. A bit harder than it looks.
via presurfer

Check out AOL Sexicons. Question: What the hell is smurfing? I feel so out of touch...
warning: not work safe

"Pet Foil Hat Technology (PFHT) is the patented system that protects you from the government."

Awful Plastic Surgery details some really, really bad surgical choices. Good god the lips... I'm going to have nightmares now, I know it!

Very Superstitious

Friday we took our Freak Fest to 10,000 ft. via the world famous Palm Springs Aerial Tramway to check out the new restaurant at the top of Mt. San Jacinto. We left the base station at 6:30 and our timing could not have been more perfect. The sunset was beautiful and we enjoyed the sweet cool air as the temp dropped about 40º into the low 60's.

Once up top we headed for the Lookout Lounge and had our cocktails out on the Canyon Vista Deck, which is actually the platform directly above where the tram cars dock.The eastern glow of the sunset over the Mojave was a stunning backdrop. When it was time for dinner. I was completely blown away. This place use to only have the worst cafeteria style dining room (which is still there for those daring souls who want to risk it) but they've transformed half of the space into a much finer dining experience. The food was absolutely fantastic. Not sure what you would call it, California Fusion maybe? Very good.

We ended up closing the place. We took the last car down along with our waitress, and the chef which was an experience I won't soon forget. The tram operator asked us if we wanted the lights on or off. Of course we all yelled "off" so he flipped the switch, cranked up the stereo and we began our descent in pitch black darkness, laughing our asses off, singing along with Stevie Wonder and watching the twinkling lights of our desert below. What a blast.

Check out the photos.

It was only 10:00 so we couldn't just leave it at that. We headed over to Toucans for a nightcap. Michael was feeling no pain at this point but he was quite entertaining as he put his best moves out on the dance floor. Rich wisely took him home when he started break dancing, or was that dancing while breaking things?

As the rest of us were getting ready to leave, we discovered Erb was MIA. I did several laps around the place, but couldn't find him anywhere. The last I saw of him, he was stuffing money in a Go-Go dancers crotch. We were just about to give up when a bouncer came up to us and directed us outside.

Folks, it's all fun and games until the paramedics show up.

In one swift sobering moment, a beautiful night was about to come to a frightening close. First: Erb is okay - but damn if he didn't scare the absolute shit out of us. Apparently he collapsed at the bar ... twice. He'd had a few drinks, but he wasn't drunk. No drugs, no reasonable explanation other than is was hotter that mofo in there. We briefly thought it might have been the altitude at the tram but the EMTs dismissed that. After running his vitals from head to toe, he checked out fine. As of today he was still light headed but feeling much better. Scary...

Damn, maybe we are too old for this shit...

TGImp3F

I had a nice little upbeat number running through my head that I was gonna post today but then I find out that Robert Palmer died this morning. 54 freaking years old. I am sick and tired of posting DEAD GUY SONGS! So stop dying already!

Doctor Doctor - Give Me the News

All By Myself - Again

I took the Missus to the airport at some ungodly hour this morning, the sun wasn't even up that's all I know. And we were out of coffee. This is never a good sign. On the way home from the 'port, I stopped off at Albertson's to get me some beans.

Have you ever been shopping before the sun comes up? Neither have I - sober. The place is lit up like the fucking Fourth of July and it's about -110º below zero in there. They must do that to keep their employees awake, or it's a twisted research project. Albertson's lab rats... That explains the two-way mirrors.

So I am on my way to the check out and there they were. Big beautiful mounds, full, moist and juicy... and they were calling my name. I began wringing my hands like Gollum: my precious, me wants them, me must have them!

So I bought the 4 pack of blueberry muffins.

This is what happens when she leaves me alone folks. I find myself spiraling into the depths of excess and depravity. Food, drink, selflove, and naked farts on the couch. So far 2 whole muffins and 1 top of another. Looks like it gonna be a red letter day!

And so begins my journey to commit all 7 seven deadly sins before 6:37pm Sunday.

Gluttony - Check

Cutting Our Losses

Finally, the federal government has decided to stop throwing taxpayers money away. It's about time if you ask me, which you didn't, but anyway...

Every Picture Tells a Story

Don't it?

Absolutely gorgeous collection of photographs of Russian Interiors. I stumbled on this panorama first. Very Hobbiton. But don't miss the rest of the gallery. Stunning.

From one pole to the other: 42 Below Vodka ad. Clever use of stereotypes and misconceptions.

Check out the Gay Referee. Love him!

Here's a cool little puzzle game. Play Telescope

In Other News:
There is a disturbing political schism happening in the Fishwrap Household. I don't know who this woman is, but I'd like to know what she's done with my wife.

See Ya Later Alligator

So there I am, minding my own business having a smoke out back when something catches the corner of my eye in the neighbors pool through the fence. I've not talked about these neighbors - no reason to, nice quiet people, except their dog chases cats. But what can you do? That's the natural order of things.

Anyway, something didn't look right in their pool. I casually glance over both shoulders to make sure no one is looking before I climb up on the fence to take a peek over.

My heart sank. I saw a medium sized dark thing floating in the pool. The worst came to mind as it probably did for you right now. It was either a cat or their dog. Fuck. But the more I looked at it, the less I could discern. It was hard to tell. Damn it. What to do?

I did a cat check and ours were all present and accounted for. I asked the missus to take a look over the fence and after careful examination through a pair of binoculars - she starts to chuckle. It turns out it's one of these motherfuckers. Son of a bitch! A frickin' alligator pool chlorinator. That'll teach me for being a Gladys Kravitz.

I feel like an idiot. A relieved idiot, but an idiot nonetheless.

Camp Sister Spirit

10 years later.

Some of us old folk will remember the death threats and other unpleasantness that plagued Camp Sister Spirit back in 1993. It may not be the most in-depth story, but it's nice to hear how far Brenda and Wanda have come in Ovett, Miss. From WLOX part 1 and part 2

via Queerday

Can't... stop... laughing...

OMG! I almost peed my pants. This is too funny. Here's my good friend and frequent Fishwrap commenter... MJS starring in Look at me! I'm a STAR!

Make your own Super Jam e-card.
via ramblings

Also, I've seen this pic of Hurricane Isabel a number of times. If it's for real, I only have this to say... You're going the wrong way!! Good god man, turn around!

Mea Culpa

I totally forgot to mention it yesterday and I'm sure some of you might hate me now because of it... Yesterday was Dairy Queen's 570th (or something) Anniversary and they were giving away free vanilla cones all day. The missus and I went to get ours last evening. When I asked about the free cones, the 15 year old behind the counter said well, they are technically free but we're asking that you make a small donation to the Children's Miracle Network and slides me a scrap of paper with the orgs name scribbled on it. Hmm me thinks this was not a DQ sanctioned solicitation... "Well, I thought the cones were free, so I didn't bring any money ::smile:: Sorry!" I wonder how much that kid collected yesterday and if any of it actually will make it to CMN...

*Update: I was wrong - CMN is right there on the DQ home page - oops. ya'd think they might have a more official looking solicitaion request than just a scrap of paper...

While enjoying our free cones we strolled up to Hollywood Video and rented Confidence with Ed Norton (the grifter), Dustin Hoffman (the pron king), and Andy Garcia (the agent). I thought it was great. If you like con game movies, it's worth the rental.

Blister in the Sun

Go ahead you crisp autumntime people - you with your leaves rustling and little cups of cider. Mock me. Remind me how cruel I was when you were buried under foot after foot of snow... I just don't care. My spirit has been broken. I know - I chose to live here - well bite me.

It's a cruel joke, this heat. It's currently 114º outside - again. The only creatures that were meant to live in this climate are lizards and cockroaches. And we humans here in the desert begin to resemble both of them towards the end of the summer, with our leathery skin and all the scurrying under rocks and avoiding daylight.

Why am I complaining? Because I have to go outside to smoke now. Not a bad thing really - in a NORMAL climate, but here it's brutal. And believe me, it's helping me quit.

Why do I have to go outside? Because the missus is allergic (you have to say that with your face all scrunched up). Say it with me she's allergic... Uh huh. Four trips to the allergist and they finally have it figured out... the poor woman is allergic to THE PLANET. That's easy to manage isn't it? They have shots for the planet don't they? Well, in the meantime, while she works on building her planetary immunity, I have to do my smoking outside. Which brings me back to how fucking miserable it is out there.

We're due for a reprieve later this week when it might dip back into the brisk 90's (oooh - sweater weather brrrr!). But today, I'm ready to crack. I can't take it anymore. It happens every year at the end of the summer - I reach my breaking point and I want to just sit down and cry. Dear lord, why hast thou forsaken us?

The missus is headed up to Seattle this weekend. Yeah up there - where the normal people live and they have things like rain and trees with leaves and you can wear pants with legs. Socks! They wear socks up there! Can you believe it?!? She's packing cashmere for shits sake. Me? Alas, work requires me to remain here on the surface of the sun with the lizards and roaches. Frickin' lizards...

Monday, Monday. So good to me.

5 Differences. We've all played this game. Nice little time waster.
via presurfer

If long tailed rodents freak you out, don't visit Show Rats.

Red Motel. A cool and funky indie video site.

I gotta try one of these things. I saw it on TV a few weeks ago, looks like a blast! Zorb!

In Other News
Another exciting PS weekend. Friday night was J's birthday party at St. James. Wonderful hosts and a wonderful party. Cocktails were at 8:00 and dinner at 9:00 - there were 4 courses so it was a long night. We all had a great time but I must say that William and I got the short end of the stick when it came to seating. There were three long tables - maybe 8 people each and we got the "quiet table". I had a sober Left-Eyed Guy (yes, there was an issue with one of his eyes - I still don't know which one was looking at me) on one side of me and one of my current clients on the other side. Love him but... I just had a 2 hour meeting with said client that afternoon.

I understand the logic of our seating. William and I are both gregarious and chatty and it's good to put a few talkers like us in with the wallflowers. But since he and I were seated at either end of the table, we never got to talk to each other and we were forced to pull conversations out of each end of the table. It got a bit tedious and we found ourselves taking a few extra smoke breaks. God knows what they talked about while we were gone...

Unlike the missus over at the FUN table! She had quite the lively crowd with, among others, "uh oh, him", Robert, and my ex-cousin in-law (is that really a classification?) Bob, who provided constant entertainment. Bob, in his classic straight Italian guy way, was totally loaded, boisterous and making several inappropriate toasts - god bless him! He had a drunken hard-on for the mummified diva sitting next to him. I have no idea who that was or what tomb they exhumed her from, but we all had fun telling Bob later in the evening that it was actually an old guy in drag. His response? "Does she still have her cock? Cuz if she doesn't have a cock, then she's all woman to me!" Pretty.
*Update - This photo just in. I think it illustrates perfectly the loving and caring friendship that my cousin and her ex-husband share. Can you feel the love?

Saturday was Spartan football over at my cousins during the day. After the game I picked up a couple of gorgeous rib-eyes for the grill from Jensens and we had a nice summer dinner at home; Steaks, corn on the cob, roasted red skins, and a big sliced beefsteak tomato. Yum.

Yesterday we rounded up the usual suspects for a little bargain shopping in the morning. After determining that Store A didn't have anything new since the last time we were there, we went on to Store B which wouldn't open for another hour. What were the seven of us to do until the store opened? You guessed it - Bloodies! We found ourselves at Sidewinders. I've never been in there during the day and frankly, I don't know that I ever need to again. It's just as dark and sticky in the light of day as it is at night, but the bartender was really nice to us seeing as were were the only folks in the place. After our eye-openers it was time for some shopping.

I find it amazing that I can't get out of these retail adventures without spending at least $100 while the boys walk away not having spent a dime. How do they do it? Incredible will power. Granted, I bought a compressor and a mattress pad (not for use at the same time) but still... I know they had a hard time passing on those beer steins... Damn them.

Thursday Revistited

In a stunning turn of events, everything I said on Thursday is complete horse shit. I now present you with a revised version of Thursdays news...

Well, here's one way to get rid of psychotic neighbors... Buy the house out from under them!

The shit hole across the street went on the market Monday as a court ordered probate sale, and after about 5 minutes of deliberation, The Missus decided to put in a strong offer. Un Fortunately she didn't get got it, which means that I'll still be I won't be doing as much freelancing this fall. I was am secretly totally looking forward to doing another full time rehab project and gutting the damn place. I even went out to the garage and took an inventory of my power tools AGAIN! But alas, it was not to be and It was so meant to be but I must reluctantly save the sledgehammer for another day closing day.

On the bright side - someone else (a contractor, we think) bought couldn't buy the house so we'll still get to wave buh bye to those losers and hopefully see personally turn the place move from shit hole to nice house.

It's all good... So good!

Avast Me Hearty mp3 Dogs!

Arrrg! Tis the day they be callin' a Friday! And I'm off to pillage, plunder and shiver some lassies timbers. Take a listen and get ye in the mood to set sail and raise a glass with yer mates! Arrrg!

Jimmy Lyons

(Sept. 19 - Talk Like a Pirate Day)

Load 'em up, Move 'em out!

Well, here's one way to get rid of psychotic neighbors... Buy the house out from under them!

The shit hole across the street went on the market Monday as a court ordered probate sale, and after about 5 minutes of deliberation, The Missus decided to put in a strong offer. Unfortunately she didn't get it, which means that I'll still be freelancing this fall. I was secretly looking forward to doing another full time rehab project and gutting the damn place. I even went out to the garage and took an inventory of my power tools. But alas, it was not to be and I must save the sledgehammer for another day.

On the bright side - someone else (a contractor, we think) bought the house so we'll still get to wave buh bye to those losers and hopefully see the place move from shit hole to nice house.

It's all good...

Enough Yarn Spinning

Where the hell are the goddamn links MJ?!?

C'mon, I know that's what you're thinking... Here ya go then.

Check out Lileks collection of Ghost Ads, many of which are in Minneapolis.

Make a Face. Why? I have no idea.. I tried making a self portrait but I ended up looking a little like this. Never pretty.

Another pretty little game from Orisinal: Cats. All cats must follow the leader.

I am SO hooked on Text Twist it's just not right... It's Jumble Crack I tell ya!

Speaking of twisted letters... Last week Pete pointed out an interesting phenomenon about the brain subconsiously unscrambling letters. This morning I came upon a site where you can scramble your own text. Wild. Wacky. Kooky.

I knew it! We're all Pod People!

Drift.

In Other News:
Last night the missus peered over my shoulder at the grilled cheese I was fixing for dinner. $100 at the grocery store yesterday and that was the best I could come up with - sue me.

"So THAT'S how you make them so crispy!" It was as if she suddenly decoded the Rosetta Stone. "You butter the BREAD, not the pan! Hunh."

It's not rocket science, but apparently there are more ways to make a grilled cheese sandwich than I ever imagined. What's your secret?

Isabel

It amazes me that something that has such great potential for devastation can be so strikingly beautiful.

And the Dead Guy?

Mac thinks her neighbors dead. One thing I've learned in this mortal coil, if you ever think your neighbors dead... He's dead. Trust me on this.

I was going to comment over there with my dead neighbor story but then I remembered my friend Jennie's dead neighbor story which is even better...

About 5 years ago when we lived in SF, Jennie and Leah came over one Saturday afternoon. We were just hanging out chatting about nothing really when Leah interjects a non sequitur that something smells like it died in Jennie's apt. building hallway. Having had a little experience in this dept., the missus and I asked about her neighbor across the hall. They hadn't seen him in a few days.

"He's dead." we said. "Yup. Definitely dead. Let's go see..." We all piled into the truck and thus began the mission to find the dead guy.

When we got over to Jennie's place and she opened the front door to the building, any doubt we had was quickly dismissed. There's only one thing that smells like rotting human flesh, and that's rotting human flesh.

Chuck, a guy who lived on the third floor, came down and we all decided that before calling the cops we should really confirm that there was indeed a body. After a little deliberation and a cocktail, it was decided that Chuck and Leah would be the ones to climb out Chucks window upstairs and shimmy down the fire escape to peer into the neighbors window. And there he was, splayed out on the kitchen floor next to his bowl of cereal.

Jennie called the cops. When the police dispatcher asked Jennie what the address was, she gave the woman her address. To which the dispatcher said "... And... the dead guy? What's his address? That's the one I really need..."

"Oh right! Right... Well he's in 2C but he's not going anywhere!" Bwaahhah...

Then we ordered pizza.

Turns out that cops can't just break into an apartment - even if the neighbors have confirmed by precariously hanging off of a fire escape that there is a body in there. First they must get permission from the building owner. This building was run by a big property management company and it was Saturday evening. We were all going to have to wait a while until someone at the answering service could reach someone who actually had the authority to permit a lock popping.

20 minutes later, we finally got the go ahead to break in - but now we had to wait for the lock smith. As I noted - the dead guy wasn't going anywhere, so there really wasn't a need to break down the door or anything...

Then the pizza arrived and thank god we ordered enough because it was getting a little crowded. By now we had 4 cops, 2 EMTs, the Coronor and his Assistant, Jennie, Leah, Chuck, the Missus and Myself all crammed into Jennie's one bedroom apartment. Slow night I guess. As civilians, we of course were well into our third cocktail. This was Dead Guy Party #347 San Fran Style!

The locksmith finally showed up and at this point it was time to turn it over to the professionals. Frankly, I didn't need a close up of the body. But just then the Coroner turned to us and said he would need a witness to follow him through the dead guys apartment to make sure he didn't steal anything as he took an inventory of valuables. I think he was fucking with us but... Since I missed the fire escape challenge, I got picked to go into the dead guys apartment.

I won't get into the details, suffice to say that on top of the overwhelming DEAD smell, the guy was a pack rat and never took out his garbage. It wasn't pretty... It was obvious that the guy just collapsed and there was no foul play involved so they loaded him up on the gurney to take him down stairs.

I don't know what they were thinking. This was SF and two flights of narrow stairs for a gurney with a body on it was going to be a tad awkward. They soon figured this out and took him off (in the body bag) and carefully walked him down to the landing. It was a little unceremonious but that's death sometimes.

We went back in, poured another round and toasted Dead Guy in 2C... May he rest in peace.

Where in the World was MJ?

The last few weekends have been filled with more good time debauchery than I can remember partaking in for some time. While I've had a blast, I've discovered a several missing items. I fear I may have left a bread crumb trail around Palm Springs. Maybe we could do a treaure hunt?

The following items have whereabouts unknown*:

1 watch
1 t-shirt
1 necklace
2 lighters (1 Zippo, 1 Bic)
1 pair of flip flops
1 black sports bra
1 cell phone antenna (snapped off in its prime)
1 pair of cargo shorts
Far too many $20 bills

*note they were not all lost at the same time.... that would be too easy to figure out...

Maybe it was a dream...

Cracking under pressure, I will try and describe last night to you but it was so bizarre that I'm fairly certain it's not going to translate well. It was kind of one of those "had to be there" things...

It all started out innocently enough.

John (Oh, Him) and Doug invited us to join them for a tour of a couple of their favorite haunts with the rest of the Usual Suspects; Rich and Michael (MJS), the Erb and William and Robert.

The plan was simple. A couple of drinks for happy hour at Cedar Creek Inn, get out before the god awful music started and walk across the street to Banducci's. For the entertainment there, it was promised, would FAR exceed anything we might see at Cedar Creek.

We arrived just in time to watch the senior set stroll in for the early bird specials. Early bird specials are HUGE around here. And these people take them seriously. Happy hour was quite affordable with call liquor at $3 each, well drinks $2. As Rich said, "Do you have any idea how wasted I could get here on $20? This place is fantastic!"

During the second round it became obvious that there was a hitch in our plan as we were audibly assaulted by the piano player who launched into a full 20 minute cheese ball version of Rhapsody in Blue. Funniest part was watching Michael (MJS), who works for United, starting to glaze over half way through the song. I think they use Rhapsody in Blue to brainwash their employees because he slowly began to wax poetic about how great United was and how much he loved his job. I thought maybe he was just drunk at first, but now I am convinced it's a case of brainwashing by Gershwin.

We quickly settled up the bill and headed across the street to Banducci's. I've driven past this place a million times and was always curious about it. When John and Doug said it was their secret hang out (stumbling distance to their front door) I was psyched to check it out with some regulars.

Oh Dear God in Heaven.

This my friends, is where the night took a turn. Walking in the front door was like walking onto a movie set. This could not be real. John and Doug described it best when they said "David Lynch could not CREATE this place if he tried." And they were so right.

It was an eerie time warp. The smell: musty and dusty, with a hint of natural gas. The decor: blood red Italian kitsch meets Goodwill basement. The crowd: large hideous grotesque creatures who were somehow beautiful and creepy and chilling and fascinating. And the lighting was perfect. I wasn't sure there would be enough alcohol in the world to get us all through it.

The place is split in two. One side is the restaurant, closely guarded by "Mother" - the peculiar 70 year old daughter of the now deceased owner. Mother carefully watches over her dining patrons while seated at a podium with a glass of scotch.

The other side is the bar/piano bar. This was our destination. We ordered some food and sat at a long red banquette facing the white piano and watched as the evenings entertainment filed in. Not a soul was under 70 years old. And they were all curiously irregular. Each one presented themselves as if they were still in their glamourous heyday. A perpetual state of denial. I think that was the creepy part. They didn't know they were old. Really old. And they were all somehow caricatures of the people they were 40 years ago. In that Baby Jane Hudson kinda way...

Wow. I just had to sit with that for a minute.

Okay, so apparently the deal is they all come in every night to sing karaoke around the piano. Rich thought it would be funny to tell them that it was his and the missus' anniversary and that she would like to sing "My Funny Valentine". The missus was starting to protest when a 6' tall seventy year old woman with long black hair, dressed in a full length white satin gown and black fur stole came over, reached over the table and grabbed a slice of our pizza without asking and walked away.

It was about this time that Herman Munster in a really bad toupee launched into "Blue Suede Shoes". The waitress then delivered an armload of maraca's to our table. We were to all join in the fun. Alrighty then. Shake shake shake. "Jesus God in Heaven - We need more DRINKS HERE!"

Like a train wreck, one after another they all got up to sing. I couldn't look away. So fascinated was I by the freakish spectacle that at one point I just sat there slack-jawed for at least 5 minutes. I was hyp-mo-tized. It was all moving in slow motion. Then John shook me out of it. It was time to go. I didn't want the movie to end!

We all rallied for an impromptu party at The Erbs swanky bachelor pad following our Twin Peaks experience. Everyone (except the drivers) got shitfaced which was almost as entertaining as Banducci's. At some point a few of us ended up naked in a not-so-hot tub and someone broke the pink faerie princess wand I picked up at Rite Aid on the way there. That was SO not cool, John. I know it was you. I expect a replacement ;)

There you have it. Just an average Friday night in Palm Springs... Not sure where we're going tonight but I doubt it could beat that!

Ah neighbors.

You can't pick 'em, can't shoot them. Some might dispute that last part but I tend to follow the letter of the law in that regard.

I was going to write about the Twin Peaks episode we starred in last night but I can't begin to put into words what we witnessed, so you're getting a little neighbor story instead.

We live in what's often described as a "transitional" neighborhood. When we first bought here, our street was shit hole, shit hole, shit hole, nice house, shit hole, shit hole. We bought a shit hole and made it a nice house. Many homes followed suit and now it's turned around for the most part. There are a few hold out shit holes. One being directly across the street from us.

That house has always been trouble. Once inhabited by Uncle Joe, as the old man was known to us. We never knew him that well but we'd give a cordial wave and I got to know his son, Mike, who once offered me some sage firearms advice. We helped each other out with a jump now and again kind of thing.

While we were friendly, we were never friends. It was obvious to me that our lives were very different. Not to sound too classist but, yeah, they are small town, undereducated and short on cash. Some might refer to them as trash. And they are white. So you do the math. Alcohol is a breakfast staple over there. When Mike took his breaks from working as a bagger at the grocery store, he'd come by and visit Pop and have a beer - at 9:00 in the morning.

Well Uncle Joe had a stroke last year and passed away a few months ago. Now the daughter has moved into the house with about 12 of her closest tweeker buddies. I have no idea what's going on over there, but it's not pretty. The screaming goes on all hours of the day and night. "Fuck you you fucking fuck head ass hole. I'm going to send your faggot ass back to jail" (yes BACK to jail, she said) is standard fare.

We had some friends over recently and when I open the front door they looked like deer caught in the headlights "What the HELL is going on over there?" they asked. Wouldn't I like to know...

And the cars... Lord the cars. At any given moment there are 4-5 cars parked willy nilly in the front yard. Gotta love the yellow pick up with a set of old tires in the back and the word "PARTY" spray painted in black on the bumper. Nothing says "I've got a 40 .oz between my knees and a .38 in the glove box. Is that my parole officer? Shit!" quite like that... Not to mention this LOVELY parking job. Apparently the front door was just too far from the driveway when they got home from the bar last night...

There are kids too... and that concerns me. I'd call CPS but I don't think that any of them are in danger. And I fear that if the "parents" ever found out they'd come after me. Yeah, they scare me a little like that. At least I've seen the kids go to school in the morning.

So we'll wait. It can't last long as I've heard a rumor that the rightful owner of the house (someone in AZ) doesn't even know the old man's dead and these guys are just using it as party central until someone finds out. So we'll wait and keep our mouths shut and hopefully no one will get shot.

TGImp3F

Hey, it's Friday - and there's been a little too much sadness going on - All we need's a fast machine...

Like Steve McQueen
okay, so it's a little over played but damn if the song doesn't rock...

And some linkage to cheer us up...

Stare Down Sally. I won! But now I will probably have nightmares...
via the presurfer

I feel dizzy now... More Optical Illusions.

Wiggum or Bush? I scored an 84 percentatude. I'm Smart!

Stealth Disco This only works with the "Best Of..." because it has a sound track - if you watch the others that have no music, it's just stupid. But I like the BagelDonut idea, might have to try that. Mmm Donut.

Quote of the day:
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

mp3F

Hey, it's Friday! Holy crap Johnny Cash died.

I hear the train a comin'. It's rollin' 'round the bend

And John Ritter too. Damn, first Warren Zevon, now these guys. They do come in 3's don't they?

Debbie

Deborah Anne Jacobs Welsh
July 20, 1952 - Sept. 11, 2001

Purser, United Airlines Flight 93

Pegleg Jackson

Arrr! That's me official Pirate Name bestowed upon me whilst getting WAY to into this whole official Talk Like a Pirate Day thing. Somebody stop me before I poop on your deck.

Practice your scrabble skills over at Scrabblog.

Are you cool? Yeah, me neither. Stupid test.

If you are at all freaked out by microscopic images of creatures who live on your body, don't click here.

Ugly assed cars and Ugly assed couches.

SHARK! A cute little swimming movie

Still feel like getting in the water? Might I suggest two new forms of aquatic transportation? Introducing the ScubaDoo.

And damn if we could have fun fun fun 'til daddy takes the Aquada away! (check it out in action - that thing rocks!)
via the missus

Quickies

There's plenty of room for all of God's Creatures.
via the missus

This little ditty will have you humming all day long. Badger Badger

Quote of the Day
"Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."
via staz

A conversation with my Stepfather

Phone Rings

Me: Hello?
Joe: Hello MJ! How are you?!
Me: I'm great Joe, how 'bout you?
Joe: I'm fine, just fine. Now I want to ask you about your shredder.
Me: Okay... Shoot.
Joe: What brand do you have?
Me: Brand? I'm not sure really...
Joe: Has it given you any trouble?
Me: Trouble? Uh, no. It's quite agreeable actually.
Joe: Well I'm looking at one right now on the Amazon Dot Com made by a company called Fellows. Ever hear of them?
Me: I think so, how much do they want for it?
Joe: Well the one I'm looking at here is $119.00.
Me: What?! No, no no.. Listen, go down to Office Max and get yourself a $20 shredder. It even comes with it's own wastebasket!
Joe: This one has it's own wastebasket too!
Me: Well trust me here, you're not Enron. You don't need $100 shredder, all you need is a little one.
Joe: I thought that seemed a little pricey. I think I'll do that - go to Office Max. We have one here, I think.
Me: Glad I could help and don't pay over $40 for it.
Joe: Oh, I won't. Thanks, thanks again. I appreciate your advice on this. Your mother's hurt herself and the moving van is here. I'd better go now, I'll talk with you soon!

WHAT?

RIP

Sleep well Warren.

Avast

I have no idea what this is, but it's kinda fun! Boohbah
via mopsa

Arrrrr Best be marking yer calendars ya scurvy dogs...
via oddgirl

It seems a little early in the week for a Too Much Time Award but I think this matchstick house merits a honorable mention.

TGImp3F

Hey, it's Friday! Ba duda, ba duda, ba duda, badu Ba de ya - say do you remember

Ba de ya - Dancing in September

Is that a link in your pocket?

Oh, the places you'll go and other fun games from Seussville.

Ack! It all happened so fast! I got a high score of 82 on the first go around, but you can bet I'll be playing more Chicken and Eggs later today.

Burning Monkey 3. If you've never played Burning Monkey Solitaire, you should check it out (download required). Very fun and funny. "Hello King!"

Go Granny Go granny Go granny Go! Granny gets down on her birthday.

Goddamn it George! I told you not to park under that tree!

Mimosa. An old photo collection, from Russia, with love.

Hmm, this little crock gives new meaning to the words "whipped" and "spread". I like this part of their description... "rigorously tested, re-tested, and then tested some more just because the tests were so fun!"

Dancing (quietly) in the Streets

A while back I mentioned a little assembly bill called AB205 working its way through the system. Well, guess what.. It passed - just in time for Dead Duck Walking Gov. Davis to sign it before hell fire and damnation is unleashed across this great state. You may not have heard because I just found it buried on page A8 of my local paper. I'm sure it will face legal challenges, and a ballot initiative or two before it goes into effect Jan 2005 - but in the mean time... WooFrickin'Hoo!

Oh Lordy Be

Three day weekends are nothing but trouble for me. Let me start by saying that the photo's posted below (and subsequently, the cake) didn't happen on Friday night at all. That was actually Saturday night. Why did I think it was Friday? Because Monday was Sunday. And Sunday was... What was Sunday again? Um, I think it was Saturday. What happened to Friday? Oh right, $3 Martinis at the Falls. It was all down hill from there...

I'm fairly certain that today is Tuesday. I'll find out as soon as I post this. When the swelling goes down, I might venture out to get the paper. In the mean time, my liver and I will be resting uncomfortably on the couch trying to piece together the rest of the weekends activities. Also, I just discovered several mystery bruises, the largest being on my ASS which means that at some point I landed squarely on it.

Life is sometimes too glamourous even for me...

Finally, Cake!

Friday Night. The pics didn't come out very well because once again, I was drunk being artistic and decided that I didn't need a flash.