Friday Fishwrap

And I quote : "That thing was a total ugh!"

Why, why, why do I even bother reading about this box of hair? It only infuriates me.

So this time Britney says "It's for love" and yet... They've only been dating for a few months and the man has one daughter and another child on the way with Moesha? To which the former Mrs. Alexander replies...

"Spears says she plans to meet Federline's daughter and wants children of her own someday."

Yeah that's it. Marry the guy - THEN meet his kid(s)... Congrats - You're about to become a step monster!

To quote the blonde one (again): Ugh.

Okay so who's in on a Britney pool for how long this one will last? Dollar a square!

In other news:
We didn't start the fire... this idiot did. Hey, that gives me some ideas!
via Coudal who, in contrast to my oh-so bitchy post yesterday, has implemented a most fantastic redesign.

If you are more inclined towards the safer and more traditional Fourth of July celebrations, here's something to get ya in the spirit: Lady Liberty Fireworks. Oooh, Ahhh. Pretty!
via the missus

F*cking C*cksuckers

Somehow we managed to completely miss the the fact that this was the Deadwood Finale. I'm perplexed. I honestly don't know how that happened! I was sure there was another episode. That can't be the end!

Related: Deadwood History: Al Swearengen and the Gem Theater

Emergency Plan: What to do in case the internet goes down

Time Wasters:
Yeti Strikes Back

The Phone

In a similar vein: I can't read it but it's fun! I'll call it help the little girl find her missing head

In other news:
It seems the terrorists are setting up sleeper cells all over the country, but we're on to 'em. Here a S.W.A.T. team nabs a one.

How ... interesting.

That's code for: Huh, I'm SO not impressed.

file this one under design snobbery

I understand that Kottke is of god-like proportions in Blogland. But all I can say is... yawn.

Sometimes less is unfortunately, less. Two (2!) years it took to do this redesign? Wow. Glad I'm not paying him for that.

A Vote for Choice

One of my most prized purchases I made at SF Pride is my "Wax Bush" t-shirt. Oh yeah. It rocks. (and no, I have no idea who this cute woman is, but I wish I did...)

Check out the Wax Bush 2004 website for info on the documentary "A Vote for Choice" and to purchase your very own Wax Bush gear!

I'm not getting old damn it!

or, my how pride has changed...

1990: A case of beer at 9:00 on a Saturday morning is just a continuation of Friday night and a great way to kick off the weekend.
2004: 2 mimosas at 9:00 on a Saturday morning necessitate a 90 minute power nap around 11:00AM

1990: When passing a group of 5 cute dykes on the sidewalk in the afternoon, the appropriate action is to kidnap them and take them to the party.
2004: When passing said group, you either a) don't even notice or b) comment to your companion (who didn't notice) about how they are really going to regret those tattoos.

1990: All BBQ's have a keg and naked women.
2004: All BBQs have Pinot Grigio and a preponderance of polar fleece.

1990: 50,000 lesbians are gathering for a march at the park and you're the life of the party.
2004: How far is it to the park again? Can't we just jump in at the end and pretend?

1990: When crashing the gay boys party your posse immediately takes control since you out number them 2 to 1.
2004: When crashing the gay boys party you look from the kitchen to the living room to see 3 of your friends slumped on the couch... yawning.

1990: A 9PM pitstop at 7-11 involves two 12 packs and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
2004: A 9PM pitstop at 7-11 involves a 6 pack and 2 Red Bulls.

1990: When calling it a night, you accidently try to enter the neighbors house, waking his dogs and the entire street.
2004: When calling it a night, you accidently try to enter the neighbors house, but thankfully your friends wait to see that you get in okay and steer you in the right direction, but not before you've broken the guys garage door opener first. Hey, c'mon... I'm not THAT old!

1990: Waking up a Pride Sunday you don't even bother trying to figure out where $150 went. It was well spent you're sure.
2004: You wake to find that you still have $85 of the $100 you started out with in your pocket.

1990: Dykes on Bikes contingent takes 45 minutes to make it down Market Street.
2004: You're 15 minutes late to the parade and missed Dykes on Bikes all together. (What UP with that people?!)

1990: Brunch is a shopping cart full of beer and meat on a stick while watching the Parade.
2004: After one beer, you all decide to skip the rest of the Parade and brunch is a leisurely 2 hour affair at 2223.

1990: You spend the afternoon at the festival consensually groping other women and getting them to buy you beer.
2004: You spend the afternoon at the festival soaking up the sun and sipping $4 rum cocktails. (okay maybe a little groping)

1990: The evening is spent polishing off what's left of the keg. You definitely call in sick on Monday.
2004: The evening is spent watching the Tivo'd parade that you skipped out of for brunch, making fun of Jan Wahl, drinking vodka tonics and grilling a tri-tip. You still call in sick on Monday.

I had a fantastic time in my home away from home. Many many thanks to my gracious hosts Staz and the Engineer. Despite the massive construction (or destruction as it were) at your place, it still felt like home!

And my apologies to the Jaded Ju for not being able to locate the booth before I was hauled off to brunch! Next time chica!

Still working on the pics. Here are a few (very few) I forgot my digital on Pink Saturday, but I picked up a disposable so, I should have that developed by next year...

YES!

Fahrenheit 9/11

Go. See it. Now!

TGImp3F

Hey! It's Friday! And it's another Two-fer!

First, we have to kick-off SF Pride. Well you got some tips and you learned some licks, you wanna try and teach this old dog a new trick, huh? Turn it up!

Come On Out Tonight - Melissa Etheridge

And secondly, it looks like I'm not going to be able to squeeze in a hair cut before my flight so ergo ... Here baby, there mama, everywhere daddy daddy. HAIR!

Hair - Original Soundtrack (1979)

(aside: this is the one song that can get me dancing through house singing at the top of my lungs arms stretched to the skies. Now there's a picture for ya...)

[note: all mp3 links expire 7 days after posting]

Getcher Links On

Here's a great little game: Bar Bowling. It takes a light touch.

Viral game from Altoids: 2 Fast 2 Curious

Spastic, frenetic and addicting: Falldown

High speed chase video Mustang Spin. This guy was either extremely lucky or extremely stupid. I suspect both. Three perfectly executed PIT maneuvers by the CHP and still the guy maintains control. Unbelievable.

Now here's something that might come in handy this weekend: 32 Ways to Open a Beer

Bush Supports Outsourcing Prison Abuse to India. Yes, that's satire folks...

And Mr. #2? The man just oozes charm, tact and diplomacy doesn't he? Cheney tells Leahy to fuck off.

Wednesday Wastes of Time

Deer eBay, this item up for auction is just freaky with a capital F. Should I send my therapy bills directly to you or do you prefer PayPal?

The true Terminal story: Stranded at the Airport

Chapelle cracks my shit up... A new soundboard from Comedy Central.

WRONG WRONG WRONG! Milkmen

Yodelalehehoo! Get the drunk guy to walk as far as you can. I made it 59 meters before face planting it.

For you film buffs, check out Cinema Sequence a kind of 6 degrees of separation things for movies and actors.

Owed {ode} to Fishwraps Past

Email Clip of the day:

Big news is: I saw my mother yesterday.

She told me my father has a bent penis and it hurt her, she had a severely bruised vaginal wall for many many years because of it. I did not ask for this information. She offered it up as some kind of explanation for something. For the record, and in the spirit of what is now seemingly appropriate for people to share, unsolicited, with one another, my penis is very straight and should not cause harm.

Much Love,

{name withheld}

Weekend Report:

Friday Night: Did nothing. Had a crappy day so I stayed at home and got drunk by my lonesome (hey - we have a lot of left over booze from the party - who I am to let it go to waste?). If I do say so myself, I was very entertaining - at least to me. I'm fairly certain I even engaged in some Yahoo IMing with Yatesy. (ed note: perhaps on a Friday night, when I've been drinking alone, is not the best time to ask me what I think of your new design. I fear I was brutal, something about selling tampons - I'm not sure, but I thought it was HIGH-larious!)

Saturday Night Report: Drinks over at J's and then in a strange reversal of roles, the Missus carried on without me and I went home early. Watched Lewis Black: Black on Broadway. Genius. I love that man.

Sunday: The ever wonderful Itchyrae came by and we went to lunch at A&W. Man I love A&W. The burgers, the root beer floats. It just rocks. Despite our increasing post-glutton need to just go home and curl up in a fetal position and watch HGTV all day, we went for a drive and looked at houses. Or more specifically, neighborhoods. I could drive (or in this case ride) around all day just checking out different nooks and crannies is this small but very diverse town.

We drove through one neighborhood I had never been through before. In fact, I'm not sure I ever knew it was there. Tucked away on the other side off Gene Autry Trail is a place called "Dream Homes" - but there's nothing dreamy about it. It's probably the poorest and most dilapidated neighborhood I've seen in PS proper (update: I just learned that Dream Homes is not technically in PS, but is part of Cat City). This spurred an interesting discussion on the pros and cons of gentrification, of which I am quite guilty of participating in and profiting from. 15 years ago I was on the other side of the tracks so to speak. Things that make you go Hmm...

I spent the rest of the afternoon floating in the pool and soaking up some sun (don't think that I don't see the irony here - okay alannis, irony is not the right word... what is it? contrariety? you know what I mean).

E came over to watch 6 Ft. Under (which I have to say is off to a dark start... I think I heard somewhere that Claire hooks up with a woman this year... perhaps the bar scene was foreshadowing? I digress..) Afterwards we sat outside, drank, told stories, laughed and smoked into the warm summer evening. A great, quiet weekend. Quite possibly the antithesis of next weekend. Mmm. Meatball Sandwich. Oh yeah baby - game on! Too bad the O.D.D. is bailing in me, but I understand buddy. I may take you up on the Bachelor Pad offer though... [wicked grin]... Next year pal. There's always next year...

TGImp3F

Hey! It's Friday! And you KNOW you've got the moves...

I Want You Back - Jackson 5

[all mp3 links expire 7 days after posting]

FORE!

More Yeti fun! Flamingo Drive. Use the flamingo to whack the penguin. Beware of large mammal hazards.

For you privacy geeks out there, bypass compulsory registration with Bug Me Not

MY EYES! They BURN! There should be a law against this type of fashion faux pas. When mixed with fanny-packs it should be a felony...

While back you might recall I was looking for advice on buying a camera phone. With so many to choose from it was a tough decision.

In other TGImp3 Friday news...
What kind of music is everyone in the mood for today?

Never throw caution to the wind ... in Canada

I've decided, based on the research of my previous post, that the phrase "In Canada" will now replace "In Bed" on all Fortune Cookies...

Don't act like you don't know what I am talking about..

You will meet a short, dark stranger ... in Canada
You have a strong and sensitive personal nature ... in Canada
You will have good luck & overcome many hardships ... in Canada
Use proven methods, avoid shortcuts ... in Canada
He who hurries can not walk with dignity ... in Canada
You are a person of culture, cultivate it ... in Canada

Whatever you do, don't mention the arson incident

So I received a request for a character reference today.

Fuck me.

Don't get me wrong I adore this woman but shit be'jeebus I've never had to write one of these kinds of letters before. Sure I've written letters for former employees, letters for co-workers, forged letters from "former employers" - you know the usual, but never one for a friend.

Until now...

So what does one do when faced with such a task? Google it!

I've found that there is a preponderance of sample "How to Write a Character Reference Letter for Use in Sentencing in Canada" (in Canada even) but I've yet to find one that works in my situation...

Anyone want to send me a template letter for an old boarding school roommate who you might have been (most likely, yeah okay, admit it, you were) in love with but for the past 20 years you've lived 2000 miles apart but are the godmother to her children?

C'mon - I know someone out there has one...

Just sit right back...

Color me Skipper. The REAL Gilligan's Island
via the missus

Test your parallel parking skills.

Chappelle's Apple Switch spoof.

Aw, c'mon - you know you love these little guys.

Native America. Test your geography skills and learn something too!

w deck

Another fun little mini-golf game. Which reminds me... I need to get out the driving range soon...

Speaking of golf... Don't drink and drive. It's simple advice. And I have to give it to this guy. He DID pass the keys. However... Having your BLIND friend and his GUIDE DOG drive you home in a GOLF CART probably isn't a great idea either.

In other news:
I've been finalizing plans to head up to SF for Pride at the end of the month. Hopefully my partner in crime, The O.D.D., doesn't skip town on me. If all goes according to my clever plan (wringing hands), it will be yet another lost pride weekend of debauchery and up to no goodness. I may be getting old - but I ain't slowing down people!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to install a washer and dryer. The fun never ends!

They made it!

AIDS LifeCycle 3

Let's play Where's Jennie?

(for those of you who don't know Jennie - she be the one in the Gucci glasses and red cap looking oh so exhausted...)

Oh yeah, and if you watch the webcast from Day 3 - I'm fairly certain that's Jennies team at the end in the Richard Simmons getups ;)

No pics of Leah up there that I could find. Congrats to all of the riders, roadies and volunteers. You all are amazing and inspiring. WOOT!

Hello!

Regular readers will know that I am a bit of an earthquake freak. They terrify or thrill me ... depending on size.

Todays quake was nothing big by any means (at least not out here in the desert) but it was definitely enough to make me sit up in my chair. It felt like mother nature gave me a good swift kick in the ass.

Bam!

I needed that. Really. I did. We all need a good swift kick in the ass sometimes...

de- + Latin fenestra window

2004 Top Ten Favorite Words And what's number one? Yes, that's right, this households favorite word of all time - Defenestration!

High Brow: A very cool group show in NYC, check out The Dunny Show

Need to take out a little aggression? Is there someone you want to shoot an arrow through? Then take a few minutes to relax and play BowMan (psst: the other guy is behind you. It took me five mintues to figure out that I could shoot in the other direction. I was trying to go "all the way around" - hey, it made sense in my head)

If that didn't make you feel better, check out Vent.

The Cube Oh man... this could take a while.

Heh heh: October Surprise

I love The Daily Show. Finding Memo

In other news:
I wasn't the only one nursing a hangover on Sunday. The cats apparently tied one on too. At least they were smart enough to don a little protection when they went outside...

Say, now...

... that's actually starting to look like a house!

The houselog has been updated! It's looking great!

Weekend Report:

This weekend we threw a not-so-little wing-ding here at mi casa. For no reason other than to just have fun, get everyone together and kick off for what is sure to be a long, hot summer here in the desert.

I had hired a bartender to serve up the drinks but he had the nerve to get sick on Friday and cancel. I was unable to find a replacement so I was behind the bar most of the night. Not that I mind, I'm pretty comfortable back there - but it didn't give me a chance to do much schmoozing or take any pictures until Kai spelled me once things had started to wind down. I've had my camera for almost a year now, but I have yet to master the nighttime photo technique. Most of the pics I snapped either captured deer caught in the headlights or unrecognizable grainy blurs. I'll spare you most of them.

It was a beautiful evening, not too hot, not too windy with a hilarious eclectic mix of neighbors, the usual ModSquad suspects and good friends (you all looked FABulous, by the way). At one point I had to stop and do a double take at seeing a Marine, a Mary Kay rep, the missus, a metal worker, a German graphic designer and "space designer" (whatever the hell that is) conducting some kind of formal interview out on the lawn. Joan Rivers didn't show up (she never does) so I'm pretty sure it wasn't for E!

Despite my fears of not having enough food, there was plenty to go around and very little left over (always a good sign). We got a LOT of positive feedback on the house project and I'm pretty sure we got two offers, but it could have just been the vodka. Things finally wound down around 1:00 and I was stunned (stunned I tell ya) at the amount of booze left over (not that we didn't give it our best shot or anything - I was not feeling my prettiest yesterday, and I'm still moving slow today...) and I can't believe no one took a dive into the pool (purposeful or accidental) ... We must be getting old!

I had a fucking blast. I wish we could do it again next weekend!

A big thanks to all our friends who came...

What the hell is THAT?

Why it's a Dog-Cat-Fox-Thingama-Whosit of course.
via presurfer

Can't tell the Difference from Sony. "DJ Fred and MC Ginger" is my fav. But "Come Dancing wit Jah" is pretty fucking funny too!

Watch episode 2 of Republican Survivor (bogus login = me@me.com).

While away the day...
99 Rooms. Got some time to kill? Some of the rooms take a while to figure out how to get out of, but the imagery is dark and interesting. I've gotten as far as room 36.

Bee Careful! Sock Full of Bees! Family Edition!

You're not Dave Chappelle, and you're not funny.

In other news:
Getting ready for our big summer splash party here tomorrow night. Dropped a bundle at CostCo yesterday on enough Vodka to fill a wading pool and some beer, wine and various non-alcoholic beverages for the everyone else. I took along the currently seeking employment Uh, Oh Him as my gay gourmet guide. A note to all of our guests who read this: eat before you come, unless you're okay with making a meal out of sugar bombs and spring rolls. And if you felt so inclined as to help out the dykes who don't know how to cook for 55 people, give me a call!

First Class

To the incredible, incomparable, Mr. Ray Charles,

Thank you.

Hallelujah, I Love Her So - Ray Charles

The Missing Gospel

"And I’m like, Mary, are you dating Jesus? and she says, no, he’s just helping me, and I’m like, you mean with math? and she’s like, no, to not be such a whore."

The Gospel of Debbie

Great fishing game: Hook, Line and Sinker. (who do I speak to about this blantant © infringment?!)

That's all for now ... Mucho work is a-calling!

Children of the Corn

You know it's lean out there when I start heading for the poop jokes but c'mon! These are seriously hilarious!

Movie names that sound like you are taking a poop.

Everyday I write the book

I had a dream last night that I invited Elvis Costello to our party on Saturday and he asked if he could bring his boyfriend Sasha and his friend Wendy and her Mom. Of course I said yes...

Jedi Mind Trick

Okay, these kind of quizes always freak me out. How does it work?!

Oh yeah, and the House Log has been updated. No new pics but I've posted our current status... sigh.

I calls 'em like I see 'em

via the missus

On a related note:
Ya know - I wanna feel bad for Reagan. And honestly, his family went through hell dealing with his Alzheimer's. I DO feel bad for THEM (although feeling any sympathy at all for Nancy is a tough pill to swallow). I also feel relieved for them. It's a burden no one should ever have to bear. A nightmare that we all fear.

But for some reason [cough] I don't feel bad HIM. Not a whit. Back in the day when the man had both oars in the water, his complete disregard for the AIDS epidemic, as well as his cold war fear mongering, El Salvador and Nicaragua, and flushing the economy down his "trickle down" toilet, and oh yeah, granting the Bush family their wet dream is enough to make me hope that he's feeling pretty warm right about now. And unfortunately, now we must all endure the endless retrospectives (that sound you just heard was the sound of my eyeballs clinking back in my head). I'd rather not relive it thankyewverymuch.

If this makes me an evil person - so be it. I'll have to live with that I guess. Sorry Gipper.

p.s. I wonder who the next two will be...

Is it just me?

AfterLab Super Speakers 2.0

TGImp3F

Hey! It's Friday! And they say that love is hell, but I've been laughin' ever since I fell.

Gonna Make You Love Me - Ryan Adams

Linkville, USA

I can't WAIT for Fahrenheit 9/11 to come out!
Unfortunately they pulled the trailer because of bandwidth. I'll just leave the link here in case it comes back online.
**update: the trailer is back online now - hosted by Apple.
via the missus

But in the meantime, check out old Georgie Boy tying one on at a wedding. Only in America

I'm a little political here today aren't I? Don't worry, it won't last long. One last item: I have often said that if you have to pass a test to get a drivers license you should have to pass a test to vote. This test is based on the INS tests given to obtain US citizenship. I scored 8 out of 10 the first round and 9 out of ten the second (questions are randomly generated). How'd you do?
via presurfer

Enough of that...

I think I just fell in love

Finally! Design conscious pet products: PostModern Pets

I just signed up for Summer Burn.

Here's a collection of overdubbed GI Joe cartoon clips. Fensler Films.
Some of them are laugh out loud hilarious. Like #5 "Aw Fuck!"

A game for the tennis fans: SetBall I totally sucked at it.

From the Awwww Files:

They saved the little duckies. How cute!

After looking at this I started humming "Muscrat Love".

More Texas News;
We ate a place called Po Po. I admit, I was rather frightened by the name. Food was great though! Right next door is the Welfare Country Club (I kid you not) and next to THAT is the Double N Ranch where they have a Miniature Donkey Farm. I still want one! Please? Can I have one? They're so CUTE! But not as cute as my God-Kids !

Note to Self

or ya know you're in Texas when...

... there's a need to post signs like this one .

That was posted in a hotel lobby bar in Dallas. A nice hotel not too far from the airport. With Aeron chairs in the room (forget the soaps and shampoo, I was trying to figure out how to get this puppy into my luggage...)

Seeing as the rat bastards also known as American Airlines held me prisoner there for the night, I had plenty of time to sip my double Ketel One on the rocks and ponder what precipitated the posting of that sign... An active imagination and vodka are a great way to pass the time.

Can I get a YeeHaw?

She's Baaack!

A Big Lone Star Howdy and a huge thanks y'all to everyone who kept things lively around here while I went off romping in Texas Hill Country. You guys rock my world!

Angela

Mopsa

Pam

Farrago

Kristie

Jen

Solonor

JozJozJoz

Andy Head

It's going to take me a few days to decompress from a whirlwind of traveling (avoid flying through Dallas at all costs), kids (ditto on sharing a room with an 8 yr. old), barbecues (never ever put a Californian in charge of a Texas BBQ - really), more beer than one person should ever consume in the span of a week (uurrrrrppp), and an extreme lack of sleep (see all of the above). Pics coming soon, I didn't take very many unfortunately.

I had a fucking blast, but damn it sure is good to be home. Woohooooo... ZZzzzzzzzz...

Tears in Your Beers

From one Cowgirl to another [not!]: a song in honor of She who's been gone entirely too long.
Cry in your beers, y'all.
Desperado - Clint Black

Linkety Links

Because it just isn't the same without them. Here's my crack (heh. I said 'crack') at linkiness. If you need work safe linkies, they aren't here -- go home. I mean, these seem tame to me. But I can't be responsible for your stuff.

Market Research For Panhandlers? Jeeeez.

Dude, where's my pants?

Oh wait. I see Alison's Pants.

Roadside Art. (there's lots of pork in roadside art.)

She's the ideal woman.

Fish for the Wrap.

Want to improve your self esteem? This is not the place to click.

Learning is fun.

Some people need to learn the hard way.

I miss MJ.

-mops