Friday Fishwrap

So Long 2004

Here's wishing each of you a very happy ringing in of a new year.

Remember, it's amateur night. Be safe, be smart.

Cheers!

Hey Hey Boo Boo

I would not touch that pic-a-nic basket...

I dreamt I was a bear. More specifically, I was known as a "Reclusive Northern Rescue Bear" - yes, that was my species. And I had to explain it to people - smarter than your average bear!

I lived in a tiny cottage. On the door hung a crooked hand painted sign, red letters on a white background that read (as best I can recreate it):

How very Pooh of me. I woke up chuckling...

Trying To Put It All In Perspective

Tsunami death toll tops 116,000

From the 2000 US Census: Population

Palm Springs, California: 42,807
Cathedral City, California: 42,647
Rancho Mirage, California: 13,249
Total: 98,703

Lansing, Michigan: 119,128

Ann Arbor, Michigan: 114,024

Independence, Missouri: 113,288

Peoria, Illinois: 112,936

Springfield, Illinois: 111,454

Simi Valley, California: 111,351

Bellevue, Washington: 109,569

Clearwater, Florida: 108,787

South Bend, Indiana: 107,789

Manchester, New Hampshire: 107,006

Allentown, Pennsylvania: 106,632

Provo, Utah: 105,166

Daly City, California: 103,621

Gary, Indiana: 102,746

Berkeley, California: 102,743

Santa Clara, California: 102,361

Green Bay, Wisconsin: 102,313

Pueblo, Colorado: 102,121

Cambridge, Massachusetts: 101,355

Burbank, California: 100,316

Athens, Georgia: 100,266

Richmond, California: 99,216

Davenport, Iowa: 98,359

Macon, Georgia: 97,255

Charleston, South Carolina: 96,650

Albany, New York: 95,658

Roanoke, Virginia: 94,911

Boulder, Colorado: 94,673

Santa Barbara, California: 92,325

Fargo, North Dakota: 90,599

Miami Beach, Florida: 87,933

Duluth, Minnesota 86,918

High Point, North Carolina: 85,839

Trenton, New Jersey: 85,403

Sioux City, Iowa: 85,013

Columbia, Missouri: 84,531

Santa Monica, California: 84,084

Lawrence, Kansas: 80,098

Camden, New Jersey: 79,904

Kalamazoo, Michigan: 77,145

Albany, Georgia: 76,939

Redwood City, California: 75,402

Schaumburg, Illinois: 75,386

Boca Raton, Florida: 74,764

Bloomington, Indiana: 69,291

A-linking we will go...

A little something for everyone perhaps?

As we ramp up for NYE, the BBC has put together some Hangover Helpers to get us imbibers through the holiday.

I can't remember where I found this but check out the Gummy Shot Glasses. Very cool. Click around, CB2 has some other great stuff.

Shake the snowglobe. I love the sound of children screaming in the morning.

P0rn Bread. Uh-huh. Pretty much what you think it would be.

From ever irreverent Landover Baptist Church: Lucifer's Toy Chest: banned Christmas gifts.

Oh. My. God. Knitted Ski Masks - The scary clown is going to eat me!

Play LeafBlower How quickly can you get all the leaves into the target area? Arrows control direction, mouse controls the blower.

Have you noticed the proliferation of those magnet ribbons on the backs of cars? Do they irk you too? Check out AntiMagnet.

"Year in Pictures" round ups, while compelling photography, always seem to emphasize the most gruesome and disturbing images. I understand the need to see them, but I am a tad tired of being spoon feed nothing but fear and horror from the mainstream media in general. For instance, check out the MSNBC Year in Pictures. What a stark contrast between the "Editors' Picks" (extremely graphic war, death, destruction) and the "Readers' Choice" (weather, human condition, humor). Only two images crossed over. I'll take more Readers' Choice please... Actually the NYT isn't much better, but at least they break it up for you and allow you to choose, sort of. But my pick has to be SF Gate: Day in Pictures round-up, only because they mix it up and provide some of the best "oh so witty" commentary on many of the funnier pics. But again, you never know what you're going to get. Dead body? Or cute little ducky? Sigh.

Speaking of bad news. The LA Times has some good earthquake coverage. Plenty of info graphics and photo galleries.

Enough of that, howz about some funny videos?
Think those are real? .wmv

MasterCard: Proud new owner of 90% of New England - Freakin' hilarious, made especially for you RedSox fans. .wmv
via staz

Indecent Proposal .asf
via Jamie K.

Now - Go waste some time!

Coming Out From Under My Rock

Let me start by saying that my mind is having a hard time comprehending the massive scale of death and destruction in Asia. My heart goes out to everyone who has been effected. I have no words, but I do have a credit card. Solonor has posted a list of agencies that are assisting in relief efforts. Please, do what you can.

Onward...

The Christmas Report: We had a fantastic weekend. Small, quiet (though our neighbors might argue) and very relaxing. Our friend David popped in from San Francisco to share the holiday with us. I haven't set my eyes on him since he moved back East 2 years ago. He's now back in The City, which seems to suit him so well. It was great to just sit back, catch up, swap stories, share a beer around the pool. We have one of those friendships where you can just pick up right where you left off and it's as if you just saw each other last week.

Christmas Eve we hit a few cocktail parties around town, but surprisingly enough we were back at the old homestead pretty early. We lit a fire and chatted into the wee hours.

Christmas day we woke to find the much anticipated feature article on my good bud Stone. 2005 is going to be a great year my brother (or as he affectionately calls me "cracka lacka" - yeah, I had to look that one up).

The rest of the day found us opening presents pool side, swimming, swapping stories and having friends drop by. Rather than a big fancy dinner, I decided to make a giant pot of chili with all the fixings. Every one ate when they wanted. Surprisingly, I didn't catch a lick of football. For some reason the TV just never went on except for a few movies. Pursued with Christian Slater was just plain baaad. God awful. So bad that it was actually funny. On the other hand, I enjoyed Collateral with Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx - but I couldn't tell ya how it ends because I dozed off as I am want to do after a few drinks and the room turns dark. De-Lovely was good, but I'm not a huge fan of the musical. However, I love Cole Porter so it all worked out in the end.

On to The Present Report: I had a GREAT haul this year. My folks sent me crossword puzzles and an inMotion for my iPod and a couple of great subscriptions. David gave us an outdoor fire pit. The Missus presented me with a bevy of fire related gifts; My very own deep fryer, with which I plan to host a deep frying party where everyone has to bring something edible to drop into the boiling pot of oil, twinkies...sausages...a duck... you bring it, I'll fry it!

I also received a set of stainless steel fireplace tools - stunning, they're perfect. And a BRAND with my initials on it! To which a friend said in his soft Australian accent "Isn't that going to hurt?" The answer is, yes. I debated branding all of the cats but after accidently branding myself when testing it out on a piece of wood, the resulting second degree burn has convinced me to keep the branding confined to big juicy rib eyes and the occasional pork loin. Also from the missus (I'm so spoiled, I know!) I received the Carhart Hooded Sweatshirt I have been coveting and more crossword books (I do love me some crosswords). So to sum up: the jacket will keep me warm while I am listening to my iPod, branding the turkey going into the deep frier while simultaniously stoking the outdoor fire pit and coming up with a four letter word for "Burnt Flesh".

Now that's what I call Christmas! Woot!

The rest of the weekend was spent lounging. In fact, we never left the compound. But alas, it's Tuesday now, pouring rain, cold (for here) and it's back to work for a few days. Lord knows I have to rest up for NYE which is sure to be a bash for the history books.

Over and out.

Company is-a-coming!

Or why, why, why, do we do this to ourselves every year?!

We're in the home stretch of "getting ready for the holidays" which is a probably good thing since it already IS the frickin' holidays. Merry ho ho ho and a bottle of rum. We've waited until the last minute to whip things into shape around here. And by whip, I'm not talking about throwing tinsel around and trimming the tree (we just plugged ours in). No, I mean scrubbing floors, washing windows, fixing the broken fence and having the furniture cleaned kind of whipping into shape. As I am writing this, the list still has 12 items as yet to be completed by tomorrow, but I am confident that I will neither strangle a small animal or gardener before St. Nick arrives, though it really was touch and go yesterday.

Here then are some good daily distractions. Kill some time while I go pressure wash the house okay?

Unclear on the concept. Or.. What's wrong with this picture?

Kerstpel - You have 60 seconds to get as many ornaments on the tree as you can without tipping it over.

How do you rank on Santa's List?

Friday Fishwrap
Nice, but with a few naughty marks. Neatness needs improvement. Behavior has been good sometimes, not so good other times. Manners could still use some attention. Was very nice last Monday.

Slingshot Tobby the puppy up to the top using platforms. Takes a little finesse but you'll get the hang of it.

The other day the missus and I were trying to determine the diameter of a circle knowing only the circumference (it had to do with wreaths, okay?). We weren't doing too well. Funny thing is, geometry was the only math I ever enjoyed. You'd think I would have retained a wee bit of it. We called up Itchyrae who, after consulting one of his 20 year old employees, came back with the equation. And I still can't remember the damn thing. All I can come up with is the formula for the area A = pr²... Mmm infinite pie or, er Pi

Cool idea of the week: Turn your iPod into a Universal Remote.

Learn how to play the spoons
via presurfer

Scared of Santa Gallery More like "Scarred by Santa" - that's years of therapy right there. Some of these Santa's are downright evil looking, but this guy just looks like he's been into too much of the old KnobNog®

That's it, you may take your leave.

TGImp3F Holiday Edition

Mix up a pitcher of martini's (vodka of course, extra dry, garnish with olives please), light the tree, give your honey a spin around the living room and, well - you can take it from there...

I've Got My Love to Keep Me Warm - Tony Bennet

The Christmas Waltz - Nancy Wilson

This Time of the Year - Etta James

A-Caroling We Will Go

And then some...

Carol of the Chins Fascinating... yet disturbing.
via mopsa

And a special holiday greeting from me to you courtesy of ZeFrank.

Gallery of Unfortunate Christmas Cards

Play Pony Pong "Warning: The Pony is Very Good" - Indeed

"Could your home be the stable for an entire family of invisible donkeys?" We can help.

New and Improved Booze. A (very humorous) look back at alcohol ads of yesteryear.

In Other News:
Every year - you'd think I'd learn my lesson. Last minute xmas shopping for my nieces is exhausting ... all that CLICKING around "Nope. nope. nope. What the hell IS that? Nope." It's just too much, literally. It's bloody expensive. Not the gifts, it's the damn wrapping/shipping costs to ensure delivery by the 24th. $30 smackers to wrap and ship a $10 something or another that will probably break before 2005? That's just wrong. Harumph.

Random Randomosity

Supine or equine? Test your knowledge with the P0rn Star or My Little Pony quiz and see if you can tell the difference between Ruby Lips and Misty Rain. I got 6 out of 12 right. I'm guessing that's about average...
via swirlspice

Our beloved patron saint of all things hobbit and baseball Solonor has decided to fulfill the wishes of his adoring fans and issue his first CD "A Potpourri of Noses" no wait, that's not right... "A Potpourri of Noise" (limited edition). Congrats, and dare I say it... I'm proud of ya pal. ::sniff::

What's That Song? A music quiz. This is so cool! Type in the name of a band, any band - They play a clip and you pick the song.

Blueberry Pancakes The new and improved Limecat.
via the good folks at growabrain

The Sleepover - Hilarious SNL clip.

Play Lunar Mouse House 2 or try Grid Logic.

In other news: I hereby formally state that I will not watch another episode of The Amazing Race. I am so utterly disgusted by what happened on that show last night and with CBS for airing it that I am writing a letter this morning and will be boycotting the rest of the season. And perhaps the rest of the network.

In case you missed it, apparently CBS thinks it's okay to glamorize verbal domestic abuse as well as borderline physical abuse. If Jonathan had done that to another team, or a stranger he would have been disqualified, but I guess it's okay to shove your wife around and verbally beat her into sobbing submission on national television. She's just your wife after all...

It makes me sick.

**update: if you would like to write to CBS here's the form.
thanks chari

My Weekend in the whine Wine Country

Or "For what we're paying we could have gone to fucking ITALY!"

Not quite a year ago the missus and I ventured up to SF for a good old fashioned civil disobedience with our best friends Staz and the Engineer. We were stunned to receive an incredibly generous gift from Staz's brother and his wife; a gift certificate to be used towards a stay at a luxury B&B up in Sonoma. My best bud and her wife also received the same gift, so the 4 of us finally got off our asses and cashed them in this past weekend.

Here's what I learned...

- I don't like wine. I think I do, but really - I don't.

- Snooty waxy faced hostesses at Il Lame-o Italian restaurants who smugly refuse to seat you without a reservation because "Well, it IS a Friday night in Healdsburg after all..." will eventually get what they deserve because the Bar and Grill next door was a lot more fun, service and food were amazing, they all LOVED us and were tipped accordingly. :p

- Innkeepers are an odd lot, compelled to put sugar glazing on everything. everything.

- Too much glazing CAN send you into a near diabetic coma.

- You can pitch a Bocce ball like a shot put and win.

- A bed that is 5 feet high is unnecessary and you can actually injure yourself trying to get into it.

- A massage really helps you forget about that.

- A suite with a bathroom that has an open "window" into the rest of the room does not afford much privacy. Even if you've been together for 14 years...

- Repeatedly yelling "Blue Spot My Spot!" out of the car window at the handicap parking spot in a drunken stupor is not considered politically correct.

- Eating a piping hot pint of fresh chowder right before 25 miles of winding two lane road is not a wise choice if you're prone to motion sickness.

All in all it was a fantastic time. And now I know that I never have to go back. I wouldn't have wanted to have been there with anyone else other than the Missus, Staz and Engineer. I can go anywhere with you guys and I know we'll always have a blast! So next time... let's actually go to fucking ITALY!

Thank you. It was my pleasure.

iPod I saw a puddy tat!

So I've been investigating this whole PodCasting phenom (psst: mopsa, it could be THE NEXT BIG THING™) because I occasionally listen to Adam Curry's Daily Source Code and damn if the man won't shut up about it. So I decided to give it a go.

I won't get into the excruciating details but suffice to say that after downloading iPodder, setting it up to grab a couple of different feeds, waiting for-fucking-ever for them to download, then attempting to actually get them onto the iPod from iTunes, I've successfully deleted every single thing (all 15GB) on my iPod EXCEPT for dear Adam and his DSC. Clever.

This was not what I was trying to do.

I've been working with Macs since 1987. I consider myself a fairly geeky technologically capable person. I won't list my resume here, but let's just say that I'm the one everyone calls - and I know you know what I mean by that.

I think I just lost my geek card. And a couple of good hours I'd like to get back.

On the bright side, I've confirmed that I have the attention span of a gnat and that most PodCasts are boring as all hell. This should save me some time...

Tip of the day: When you set your iPod to sync only certain playlists, that's exactly what it does. It also deletes every fucking thing else. Damn it.

All the news that's fit to Wrap

I haven't done a weird news round-up in a while...

Was is Julia Child who said that you can never ruin anything with too much butter? New Ulm fire cleanup is greasy, gooey mess. What happens when a butter packaging plant burns? Melted butter. 3 million pounds of it. Flooding the town 3 feet deep in some spots. It all sounds disgusting enough but what the articles fail to mention is the smell. I can only imagine... Blech.

Speaking of clogged arteries... Hardee's Monster Thickburger: 1,420 calories and 107 grams of fat.

Now this is fucked up. Woman Gets Threatening Letter After Hanging Up On Telemarketer. "Before you are rude to another telemarketer, you should keep in mind that he or she has your phone number and your address..." Creepy.

Go Canadian Company offers package to allow U.S tourists traveling abroad to look Canadian. Includes t-shirt, lapel pin, luggage patch and a quick Canadian reference guide "How to speak Canadian, eh?"

Fourth-grader suspended over suspected 'Jell-O shots'. I think the girl has a bright future at Hooters!

In couch potato news...
TAR6: Last nights Senegal episode epitomized the Ugly American. Key-rist. Get a grip people. You are a visitor. Treat your host country with RESPECT! High (or low as it were) lights: Adam's mother STILL clips his toenails for him? I thought I was going to puke. How old are you again? C'mon. There's something really twisted about that... Jonathan breeding? God help us all. Don and MJ? My heros. I adore them! They have such an incredible relationship. I just about screamed when I heard "The good news is..."

Place the State

Go ahead. Place it.

Please note that Tennessee, Montana and Colorado are about 10 pixels to the right. Nebraska is just a skooch to the south and God Damn Maryland. How the hell am I supposed to place you without a reference point?! Oh, but I did get Oklahoma without Texas being there! So, my score was 45 out of 50. Yeah baby. I'm a geo-genius!

It is Oak

"Have you noticed my tree?" "What a lovely tree! Is it oak?"
Go. Read. Laugh. Bad Dogs! from Miss Doxie via mefi

More amazing photography: The GigaPxl Project. The definition is mind boggling.

Step back in time and step into my trailer. Honey? Is that you outside the Prowler™?

Alek is at it again this year. Check out his Christmas lights and turn them on or off from the comfort of your desktop.

Just be glad these folks aren't your neighbors. Or maybe they are, in which case, I'm sorry. There's no accounting for taste. Heh.

Is that a gravy boat in your pocket?

Here's something interesting I stumbled upon over at Metafilter over the weekend:
The G-Cans Project ...

...is a massive project, begun 12 years ago, to build infrastructure for preventing overflow of the major rivers and waterways spidering the city (A serious problem for Tokyo during rainy-season and typhoon season). The underground waterway is the largest in the world and sports five 32m diameter, 65m deep concrete containment silos which are connected by 64 kilometers of tunnel sitting 50 meters beneath the surface. The whole system is powered by 14000 horsepower turbines which can pump 200 tons of water a second into the large outlying edogawa river.

Maybe I've been playing too much MYST over the years, but don't the photo's look like another age? Very cool.

Here's the photographers site.

In other strange news, here is a random sampling of recent search strings...

i accidentally swallowed a bone - I don't think searching the web should be your first step. Can you still breathe? Don't worry then, you'll be fine.
hark i hear a gravy boat - Maybe it's time to lay off the L-Tryptophan pal.
mature kaviar - Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
cat eats tinsel - Welcome to the frickin' club. Just wait til it comes out the other end... Then the fun really starts! Festive!
dogstalker - Hey lady! I don't have the dog anymore. Go away!
apostles joke - Peter and Paul walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Thank you, I'm here all week...

TGImp3F Holiday Edition!

Welcome to the 2004 Holiday Edition of TGImp3F! Uh-oh, Santa lost a ho!

Santa Lost a Ho - Christmas Jug Band

Mambo Santa Mambo - The Bobs

Christmas Island - Leon Redbone

And as an added bonus to all you Red Sox fans out there, I thought you might enjoy

Merry Merry Merry Frickin' Christmas - Frickin' A

note: all mp3 links expire after 7 days

Ah, December...

It's that time of year again folks. Time to get even with annoying children everywhere.

Looking for that perfect gift? Something that says "I Love You" like nothing else? Target might just have what you're looking for. And such a deal. Unfortunately, it doesn't ship for 4-8 weeks.

Houses of the Future. Sustainable, affordable and futuristic.

Ken Jennings Art

Bored bored bored...

Make a Dodecahedron Calendar.

Play Reflex.

Or try Banana Barage

Or even better, give Warehouse a shot.

In other spamolicious MT news:
I spent the better part of yesterday doing some house cleaning here at Ye Olde Fishwrape and deleted (most by hand) some 2800 pieces of comment spam and rebuilt the entire site. Not a big deal you say if one uses MT-Blacklist. Ah, but for some reason, the rebuild script always fails to run properly for me. So I went to work... My god that's boring as all hell. It was an interesting study in the chronological history of comment spam. First came the P0rn Spam, then the Pharmacy Spam and finally, Bob and his wacky Texa$ Hold Em variations.

So I was feeling all proud of myself when I sat down at the computer this morning only to discover that I had been slammed last night and received 300 BRAND NEW COMMENT SPAMS! Yay! The bastards.

But I did install a groovy little MT plug-in called MT-Close2. Allows you to close comments on past entries in one fell swoop. Cool.